My father is not a nice person. In fact, he can be downright hateful and makes my blood boil with anger most of the time. Maintaining distance helps quite a lot.

Today, I spent some time with him.

I listened as he gave a complete stranger details about himself over the phone. He told this “investment” person that he could not understand a three page drilling lease contract and that he was retired. I stopped him before he got too far. He told the same stories all over again, not remembering that he had done it. Then he went into a bizarre confabulation about nurses at the hospital not wanting to touch him because he had had polio. No, dad, it is because you were ugly to them.

And now, this man that I use to look up to, even if I did not like him, is a shadow. He is not himself anymore. He won’t be going back to being himself anymore. Ever.

And I am sad. He is still mean and ugly. But I don’t feel I have the right to hate him anymore. Not like this. I don’t know what to do with all of these negative feelings. Set them adrift in the never land sky?

I wanted someday to tell him that I hated him. But I never found the voice. Now, he will not understand and it would all be just a cruel joke.



2 thoughts on “Shadows

  1. I love your blog. It’s weird how I’m commenting on something really old that you’ve written. I’m actually a doctor, giving a postgrad exam and reading your blog when I take study breaks 🙂

    After reading this particular post, I remembered a poem by U.A Fanthorpe. Have you read ‘Old man, old man’? This post reminded me of that. Your feelings towards your dad seem ambivalent, but you’d know best. I would love it if you read that poem 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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