“Beware of allowing a tactless word, rebuttal, a rejection to obliterate the whole sky.” – Anaïs Nin
I get tons of nice complements from patients all day long. But when I get a piece of negative feedback, it eats me up for days. I will spend hours lying awake in bed formulating my counter attack (aka justifying myself and assuaging my conscience) when I should actually be sleeping. Or driving. Or eating. Or playing with my kids. I do this for days or weeks at a time, losing sight of all of the good and positive things I do.
But I have yet to figure out a way to shut it off. I can rationalize it, beat myself up over it, pray about it…I cannot make myself stop obsessing about it until whatever it is has run its course in my brain. People around me lose patience when I cannot just flip the switch. So I have stopped talking about it to them.
Is it a lack of faith? A sign of my biochemical imbalance? Or do I simply need to become jaded and calloused?
Over the past couple of years, I have learned that fighting this process only makes things worse. This is who I am. This is how my brain works. This too shall pass. And it does. Then life goes on.