There have been many points in my life where I have been consumed with indecision. I have had quite a bit of anxiety over decisions that I have made through the years, sometimes to the point that it paralyzed me.
For all of the positive things that medical school has done for me, one of the negative is that it has amplified this anxiety. We are taught that there is a right and a wrong way to do things. Lives hang in the balance.
My life hangs in the balance. One wrong move and I am done for!
Or am I?
One of the things about God’s grace is that it removes my control. I cannot have satisfaction in doing the right thing so much anymore. It is not really counted as righteousness for me…God took care of all of that so that I could simply experience the joy of living in him instead of carrying around a burden of anxiety about doing something wrong. All of that is wiped clean past, present, future.
Separating the professional from the personal is hard. Decisions in my personal life are merely decisions. I should have peace that God has this all in hand, that there are few ways for me to screw things up irreparably. A move to another city that doesn’t work out? Fine, pack up and move back. Choosing to do something illegal or unethical, that is something else entirely, but that is not what we are talking about here.
Professionally, I have to rely on God to guide my head and my hands. I am not the one standing in the gap preventing life or death. That is God. I have to remind myself of this daily as it a key to maintaining sanity. But at home, I am not so faithful or humble.
So today, I acknowledge this. And I pray for peace.