I had a friend ask me to lunch today. He texted me asking if I would be available tomorrow. “Sure!” I said. But what I really wanted to say was, “Oh, no. This is about something bad, isn’t it? Just tell me now so I can sleep tonight instead of worrying.”
For normal people, they would see it for what it is, a lunch date. For me, I immediately assume that it is the harbinger of death.
I do this a lot. All the time, in fact.
So I wonder why. Why am I wired like this? It has been this way as long as I can remember. My mother is as negative as can be but I am not sure I can blame her entirely, even though I would like to…
I know I do this. I create tons of unnecessary anxiety for myself and the people around me. I know it is irrational. I envy people that can be care free, whose brains do not betray them. But how do I turn something like this off? There is no switch I can flip, even if I wanted to.
Maybe this helps me be a better doctor? Always checking and double checking, following patients to make sure they are getting better, constantly on the look out for the worst case scenario. This is why I do not medicate myself.
But someday…someday I will be free!