The Antidote

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What is the perfect antidote for Friday the 13th? Good seats to La Boheme. 

Why, you may ask?

Even though I had ended the afternoon clinic schedule a bit early, all hell broke loose keeping me late tending to patient needs. As a consequence, I had to rush home to change. I threw on a good bra and a low cut black cocktail dress and nice shoes, then touched up my makeup, got the sitter situated, and ran to the car. I was halfway down the road when I realized that I was still wearing my white cotton granny panties. 

Laugh number one.

People pay more for one of these seats than I did for my face cream. Everyone is all dressed up in evening wear and putting on airs (except that my white cotton granny panties keep me from getting too high on my horse). But when the lights go down and the curtain goes up, all that I can smell is one fart after the other. The farts smell different so I know it is not from the same person. The odors waft toward me throughout the entire production. Interestingly, this has occurred at every other opera I have ever attended, so it is not an isolated event. Oh, no. Not hardly. Thank God smelling farts is supposed to be good for your health!

That was laugh number two.

Death scenes in opera are fantastic! In La Boheme, Mimi is dying from consumption. Even though she is supposedly coughing like crazy and is short of breath, when it is time for one of her lines the soprano can sure belt it out, even when she is in the throws of death’s final agony, convulsing upon the chaise. 

The last laugh.

I sure did need that!

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122 thoughts on “The Antidote

  1. Laugh is always the best antidote! Btw, I would like to mention that the first thing I do in the morning is check my blog has been posted overnight. I have come to rely on the notification “Victo Dolore liked your post Xyz…” It is like a good morning, and I genuinely appreciate the support! Thank you!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I think the fart aspect is simply a commentary on the age of the folks in the audience.

    But thanks for the links in the comments. I just sent them to my husband with a note that he is sooooo lucky to have married me. I’m pretty sure he will live forever.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Well, doctor, you did it again. Farts seem to bring the best out of your comedian’s skill. I stopped counting laughter numbers here!
    It was also very instructive to learn about the health benefits of farts.
    Surely the people who go to my yoga class may know about that as they share it generously. It just needn’t to be so loud…
    And a LBD with granny panties was wicked! Loved it.
    My 86 y/o aunt advises us to never to go out before checking bra and panties – as she does . She would be mortified – in case she had an accident – if either doctors, nurses or whoever, would see her in old panties!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Right! And yes, the age goes up the closer to the orchestra you get so I wonder if we could get a grant to measure fart levels in relation to location and then extrapolate about socioeconomic status? Surely there is a bin of government money somewhere just dying to get spent on something frivolous? πŸ™‚

      Liked by 4 people

  4. Well, at least you can rest assured nobody in the audience surrounding you was suffering from a small bowel obstruction, if they all busily passing flatus. Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. There is no place that I know of, blog world or other, where you can casually log in, click a random link, and have the pleasure of experiencing discourse on the female undergarment, flatulence, and opera all at the same time. I am laughing hard enough to pee myself and my granny panties right now. Thank you πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Whew – you sure are in a special mood today – sitting there in your granny panties, smelling farts and watching a singer belt out a tune when her character would hardly be able to breathe. All the while giggling at the surrealism of it all. Just a few posts ago we were all bemoaning the presence of microscopic amounts of fecal matter everywhere – and now it turns out that fecal matter and the H2S that is associated with it, may actually be saving lives. Say, did you know that H2S is has the highest temperature transition to superconducting properties that is currently known (-83 C ) ? Just sayin’.

    I find it refreshing to to see someone who can sit and giggle at the absurdity of it all rather than simply bemoaning our sad state of existence. Oh, I’ve never seen La Boheme – I trust it is enjoyable.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I did NOT know that about temperature transition! Who knew? La Boheme is supposed to the most romantic opera ever written. Not sure I would go quite that far but it was most enjoyable! πŸ™‚

      Like

  7. Farts and granny pants…. truly a post worth a Pulitzer…I love it! Secret to being a happy woman is too stop worrying about how your panties look and go for how they feel. Soft, roomy cottony ones are great for comfort and for sound proofing. Like baffles……
    (Google) noun: baffle
    1. a device used to restrain the flow of a fluid, gas, or loose material or to prevent the spreading of sound or light in a particular direction.

    Liked by 2 people

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  10. Opera deaths are a scream. Aida is buried alive, for cryin’ out loud. It’s always because of love. There’s a lesson.

    I spent Friday the 13th under the knife having a spot of basal cell carcinoma removed from my forehead. You should see this mess. I look like a hideous creature.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Once upon a time, my folks took my husband and I to see Don Giovanni. In a quiet bit someone did the most massive fart. All four of us cracked up and my husband leaned over and whispered in my ear “please tell me that wasn’t your dad.”

    Liked by 1 person

  12. 1. Is the picture posted Mont Saint-Michel, with some guy’s head on a step?
    2. Are granny panties (Bridget Jones’s Diary?) more comfortable than, say, “fanny floss” thongs? (See “Nine Panties Styles for Women: http://karahara.hubpages.com/hub/9-panties-styles-for-women–or, For Men [to look at]).
    3. About Mimi: You are right: no belting out of arias as in Madama Butterfly (or in Fatal Attraction).
    4. See Moonstruck. Then decide about Mimi.

    Liked by 1 person

      • I’m with John. I am totally grossed out by other people’s emissions and hate breathing them in through my mouth knowing I am EATING feces. Blech!! It almost spoiled the ballet for me last time until I decided to hold a handkerchief to my hose and breathe through that–and not give a damn what anyone thought. Next time, I will scent it–very, very lightly, for risk of migraine–with something inoffensive to me (hmmm–chocolate?)
        πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  13. What a hilarious article!!! And yes, I do love the way Mimi doesn’t let her ravaged lungs get in the way of a marvellous aria.
    I read that claim about smelling farts being good for you – but however wrote that has clearly never met my husband who apparently carries chemical weapons around with him for emergency use.
    Did you see the article in New Scientist some years ago entitled “Coughs and sneezes spread diseases, but what about farts?” It described an experiment in which a volunteer lowered his pants and farted onto a petri dish, and then the bacterial growth was analysed. Apparently the bacteria in the “initial impact zone” was less virulent than in the “splatter ring”, suggesting that farts unfiltered by trousers (or large white cotton panties like yours) could indeed spread harmful diseases.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Granny panties – I’m a little ashamed to say I don’t own any but I will be changing that in the near future…. I think.

    Farts. No matter how good for my health….no way πŸ˜€

    the singing dying girl – hilarious.

    Liked by 1 person

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  16. I suspect it is not solely the age of the attendees, but the usual pre-affair fare: Wine and CHEESE. Drat that tasty-but-deadly delight!

    Great post. And it is thanks to Paul I am back, for I had followed you (finally) many, many weeks back, and WP had very soon thereafter dropped you without my noticing–the evil thing that it is. Glad to be back.

    Liked by 1 person

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