Missing Something 


Since I can remember I lived in a vivid fantasy world where I was loved by a handsome, powerful, brilliant man who was tall and muscular and who had just the right amount of chest hair. In my fantasy he would make fulfilling, passionate love to me with the haunting swell of a cello and the flicker of candlelight playing in the background. I did not ever know this man, but I was certain he existed somewhere. I can still see every detail of him, except for his face, even now…

That is not how the story really goes, however.

I don’t remember getting married. At least I do not remember the details. There is a piece of paper with my signature on it but I do not remember how it got there.

I don’t remember where I got dressed before the ceremony. The dress was a pale yellow, though. I do know that because it still hangs in my closet. There is only one picture taken of that day that I am aware of, and it is blurry.

I don’t remember my vows. I do remember insisting that the phrase “obey” be cut from them a few days prior but I do not remember actually saying, “I do.”

I don’t remember my wedding night except that I was mortified that my parents and the rest of God’s creation knew what was going on in that hotel room that night.

No. I was not drunk. 

To be honest I am not sure when I stopped remembering these details. I have not thought much about the event until last night. I was a bit shaken by how much I was missing…

It was not a happy time. 

My parents had said that it did not matter who I was marrying, they would never pay for any amount of a wedding for me since I was going to medical school. Even after seven years of “dating” this man with their seal of approval, my disobedience to the divine order of things would not be sanctioned by them.

So we eloped. 

We planned it in a week while I was going through medical school orientation.

My wedding dress was sewed by my almost mother-in-law from the pattern and fabric I had initially picked out for bridesmaids dresses. We were married under the giant tree on campus at sunset by a religious studies professor who happened to be an ordained minister. 

I told my parents the day before. I did not allow them or anyone else to “give” me away.

The ceremony was on a Saturday. 

On Monday, I started my first day of classes. 

Then gross anatomy happened.

Family and friends whispered about it being a shotgun wedding and waited expectantly for the bulge to show. The bulge never materialized and the whispers eventually died down but not until after quite a bit of unkindness had taken place. They just did not understand and I did not know how to explain it to them.

I was afraid to do it alone.

To be continued…


132 thoughts on “Missing Something 

  1. My ex wife did an MBA. One if the books that was required reading for the leadership course followed 15 gold medal Olympic athletes and looked at their motivations, skill development, life choices, etc. They asked all 15 why they chose to become Olympic athletes and all 15 gave different answers. And not one was more human or less human than your reason for getting married Victo.

    Liked by 2 people

      • In the past in Western culture and still to this day in some cultures, humanity proceeded on the back of arranged marriages. You chose your mate, which is a bonus for the individual. How and why you did that is, of course, unique to you. There is no right or wrong. I think it is a mark of your personal strength that you proceeded to do what you felt was right even against the wished of many – it speaks clearly to your determination to do what you felt was right. if only we could all make decisions that way the world would be a better place.

        Liked by 8 people

  2. No obey, I understand – looking forward to the next chapter. Good for you guys to just get on with it and throw tradition by the wayside. Eventually people get over it and if they don’t it lies on their shoulders.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Whatever works and glad that’s what worked for you. ❤
    I wish I had eloped because of all the hoo-ha that goes with getting married in church. On the other hand, except that I now have a daughter and two gorgeous granddaughters, maybe I should have been married.

    Liked by 1 person

      • Well we didn’t spend thousands. About $400. We paid for the license, the chairs and the photographer. We got married in my parents’ back yard with about 50 people. We invited 22. The cake and the flowers were a gift, and my in-laws provided the entire unwanted reception at a clubhouse. To be clear, we liked the cake, the flowers and one another. Everything else, not so much. lol

        Liked by 3 people

      • Double like! (didn’t spend all that cha-ching and didn’t require all those people to sit for hours in a boring ceremony) I have 3 daughters..ever since they were very young, I would jokingly (yet also completely seriously) suggest that if they eloped, I would give them $1000. I know I’m cheap..in the end all three of them opted for non-traditional type weddings..(two justices of the peace and the third, I actually officiated) As someone else said, you ARE quite the story teller! DM

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I am the biggest fool for big weddings, big dresses and tons of froo froo. But my first wedding was less than 25 people, mostly friends. It was a miserable affair which my then in-laws constantly brought to my attention all the 27 years we were miserably married. My second wedding was 5 people, two of them my husband and I. At 60, I still dream of the princess wedding with all the fixings, But alas, it will not come to pass as I too wise now to spend the money. HA!

    Liked by 2 people

    • I really felt like I missed out for years. Then, I realized that it was the dress and photos I was upset over. Meh. Since then I have more photos than I can handle and quite a few beautiful dresses over the ensuing years that have made me feel like a princess. So now I am at peace. 😉


  5. If I ever got married again, I would elope…no I do not plan to marry again. we got engaged and married within a span of five weeks so people thought I must have been pregnant as well, I just didn’t see the sense in a long engagement since we weren’t planning a big wedding. Mary in haste, repent at leisure. I have joked sense that I wished I had been pregnant when I married him because I constantly get ass what the hell I was thinking when I married that day, people would understand if I had said all I got pregnant. The three years we were married it was the longest three years of my life, but we have a kick ass son and my ex, his wife, and myself all get along so all is well that ends well. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. My mother was most proud that she pulled off my whole wedding for under $1000.
    I remember laughing when my new husband first undressed. ( It was nervous laughter, seriously).
    Maybe he held onto that.
    Maybe that’s why he eventually left.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. My wife and I had to be married within a month of meeting each other face-to-face. We corresponded for a couple of years beforehand and then we decided it was right. I came to Virginia, proposed to her about an hour and a half after meeting, and then she moved with me to Canada.(It wasn’t quite as spontaneous as it sounds… we both wanted to get married and she was already packed.) It was a whirlwind. But because we had absolutely no customs documents or legal papers, we were told that, in order for her to stay in Canada, we would have to be married in one month. (This was in November 2001, so tensions were high so soon after 9/11.) We did it, married on Dec. 1, 2001, and we’ve been together ever since. She doesn’t remember anything about the wedding other than feeling sick to her stomach, and I’m a bit foggy on the details as well.

    All this to say, your post certainly touched me. It’s not the ceremony that counts… the anxiety, the expense, the perfect planning… It’s what lasts after that first day.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. My first marriage was a traditional, but small, ceremony – and that marriage didn’t last very long. My second husband and I eloped – sort of. We did plan it in advance, but told no one except my husband’s parents and my mother (my dad had already died). We had a nice Justice of the Peace ceremony at a local Town Hall, followed by dinner, and then drove to Niagara Falls. This was on Friday. On Monday, we both went back to work. Like you, speculation began immediately with the notification of my new married name. Unlike you, a baby did follow 8 months later. But hey, we’ve been married for more than 30 years now, and that baby grew up to be Cordelia, so all’s well that ends well.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I was married in the Fall of my Senior year of college, not actually believing that I would get accepted to med school. We were so poor but so happy. We are still together 33 years later. He’s been there through every med school day and sleepless night, every residency hour NOT spent at home, 2 babies that he practically raised alone, hours away from home taking care of everyone but my own family and now …. We will retire together in 2 weeks. A continuing love story for sure.

    Liked by 5 people

  10. there are loads of reasons to get married, and I think for all of us, not facing “it” alone is one of them, no matter what “it” might be.

    I also remember one boyfriend I had scoffing at the words to “Goin’ to the Chapel” — the line “we’ll never be lonely any more.” made him scoff. I didn’t marry him (although he was right — everybody is lonely sometimes!)

    Liked by 1 person

  11. What a heart-rending post. Weddings should be memorable, happy occasions. Often they are, but sometimes not. The months leading up to my wedding were full of drama for a variety of reasons. Fortunately, the actual day was lovely and left me with a lot of good memories. Still, there are memories of things that happened prior to the wedding that I still feel resentful about. It seems people care more about their own agenda than they do the happiness of the couple – and that often goes for the family members who are closest to us.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Oh sweet friend ❤️ My story is similar but in the end didn’t elope, engaged 3 months plus small wedding (which was *not* the expectation or norm). I’ll fast forward to my daughter’s wedding and the beautiful healing that came from loving her and her husband-to-be through it generously. Now I just smile to think how far my husband and I have come ❤️ I look forward to reading more…

    Liked by 1 person

  13. You did the right thing – Hindsight and all that – But man! What a scary moment. That first time you truly and purposefully step away from parental authority/domination. I remember it well.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have splashed the subtext of that story here and there throughout the blog, so I am not sure I can point you to something that ties it up into one neat bundle. It was a religious issue primarily. As a physician I would be in a position of authority over men. My God ordained role was to be a wife and mother exclusively. If I did not love my future husband enough to quit medical school, I had no business getting married.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Maybe you don’t remember much about your wedding, because there was so much emotion going on underneath about the side issues of your parents and getting ready to start medical school. I admire the courage it took for you to do it your way! My first wedding was in my parents church on a shoestring budget, with me ready to get it over with to get to the honeymoon which was just a camper on the beach. My second marriage, was done my way, in my church, in a vintage second hand gown I got for a couple hundred dollars. I allowed my dad to walk me down the isle just to honor him. It was my gift to him. No “obey” words were uttered though. I can’t imagine many people use that word in marriages anymore. I would gag on “obey.” You can always re-new your vows, and do it anyway you want to, if you want to, Though I like the image of you getting married under a tree in a yellow dress.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. We got married and didn’t tell anyone other than our parents and our witnesses. There were 9 of us in our ‘wedding party’. For us, it was a fun day with sugar puffs and rice crispies for confetti, a meal in the pub’s private room, then off on the bus/train/ferry/train to Amsterdam! Yay!!

    Liked by 2 people

  16. Wow! I just recently eloped 5 days ago, and like you, I really couldn’t and still can’t explain our decision to anyone on either sides of our families, but ultimately, they too shall see, no bulging abdomen will appear. I truly believe that some things in life happen and though there may never be an acceptable explanation, we just have to go with the flow. I salute you for taking a stand and doing what you both felt was right! May you both continue to be blessed and have many more decades of happiness, completeness, and fulfillment as 2 hearts that beat as 1!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  17. I never expected to be married. I’d seen its dark side. I had no childhood fantasies, never looked at a bridal magazine. I was numb, almost terrified the day of our wedding. It was all for my parents.. a formal event, planned in 2 months as we prepared to move 2000 miles away. I never expected it to last. It’s been 43 years. ☺ Van

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Your wedding was so much like mine. We’ll be married 45 years in August. We still love each other completely. I’ve never thought of divorcing him, but I I have considered knocking his brains out on a few occasions.

    Liked by 3 people

  19. Good for you to go ahead and do what you wanted to do, not to mention save a lot of $$$$ and headache with marital family drama that always occurs lol. If I ever get married I would do something as small as possible, why have the hoopla and the dress- only to get the bill later 😡

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Part II should be just as interesting and I hope I don’t miss it. I married so young that everyone thought it must have been a shotgun wedding although it was a big wedding for a small town. Little did they know I was a virgin. The marriage didn’t last. My second one – small wedding – is going on 39 years.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. I couldn’t remove Obey from my vows, even though I wanted to…
    I don’t remember too much from my wedding, either…
    I wish I had eloped…
    I did’t get married because I was afraid of being alone, but I did allow other horrible things to happen to me because I was afraid to be alone.


  22. Awww, this is gonna be a sad one. But to let you know, with all the brides I deal with in my photograph studio, NONE of them ever remember all the details. I ALWAYS hear “I don’t remember doing that!” when they see their photos for the first time.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. By the time we got round to marrying I think our parents were probably relieved! No wedding dress, no vows except to be nice to one another and uphold the values of the Republic, a civil ceremony in front of the mayor, with our first baby in a papoose sleeping on her papa’s chest. The mayor wished us happiness and a beautiful family, adding, “I see you’ve already started.” Nice memories.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Pingback: My Last Day  | Behind the White Coat

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