I reached for the otoscope last week and noticed an odd jiggle in my peripheral vision. It caught me off guard.
What the heck was that?
Surely I was hallucinating…
After checking out the patient’s nose boogers, I reached to switch out the otoscope with the ophthalmoscope. I watched more closely this time. It occurred again! Then the realization hit me like a ton of bricks:
I HAVE FLAPPY UPPER ARMS!!!
How THE hell did that happen?
The thing about aging that has affected me most was the fear of invisibility. I literally cried my eyes out for six months before my 40th birthday because of a stupid article in The Atlantic that discussed that issue in great detail.
Invisibility? I should be so lucky. I have now come to realize that invisibility is not really the issue. Listen up cute young people! It is the calling of attention to oneself for unpleasant things that you should be afraid of.
- Like jiggly arms.
- Thinning hair.
- Terrible eyesight that will compel me to mismatch clothing.
- Wide elastic waistbands and polyester knit pants for my expanding pudgy middle.
- Hearing loss that makes everyone question if I have dementia.
- The walking farts.
These things run in my family. I am hosed. Just like the bunions I could not avoid, these evils are looming ahead. Jiggly arms are just the start of that slippery slope.
For the record, when the walking farts start, I am quitting…