An Epiphany of Sorts

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I reached for the otoscope last week and noticed an odd jiggle in my peripheral vision. It caught me off guard.

What the heck was that?

Surely I was hallucinating…

After checking out the patient’s nose boogers, I reached to switch out the otoscope with the ophthalmoscope. I watched more closely this time. It occurred again! Then the realization hit me like a ton of bricks:

I HAVE FLAPPY UPPER ARMS!!!

How THE hell did that happen?

The thing about aging that has affected me most was the fear of invisibility. I literally cried my eyes out for six months before my 40th birthday because of a stupid article in The Atlantic that discussed that issue in great detail.

Invisibility? I should be so lucky. I have now come to realize that invisibility is not really the issue. Listen up cute young people! It is the calling of attention to oneself for unpleasant things that you should be afraid of.

  • Like jiggly arms. 
  • Thinning hair. 
  • Terrible eyesight that will compel me to mismatch clothing.
  • Wide elastic waistbands and polyester knit pants for my expanding pudgy middle. 
  • Hearing loss that makes everyone question if I have dementia.
  • The walking farts.

These things run in my family. I am hosed. Just like the bunions I could not avoid, these evils are looming ahead. Jiggly arms are just the start of that slippery slope. 

For the record, when the walking farts start, I am quitting…

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138 thoughts on “An Epiphany of Sorts

  1. Hahaha. Thanks for the laugh-out-loud. I’ve got the crappy eyesight part, but so far I’ve managed to escape the others. Or maybe thanks to my crappy eyesight, I just haven’t noticed them. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Liked by 3 people

  2. “And indeed there will be time
    To wonder, โ€œDo I dare?โ€ and, โ€œDo I dare?โ€
    Time to turn back and descend the stair,
    With a bald spot in the middle of my hairโ€”
    (They will say: โ€œHow his hair is growing thin!โ€)
    My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
    My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pinโ€”
    (They will say: โ€œBut how his arms and legs are thin!โ€)
    Do I dare
    Disturb the universe?”

    Just promise me you’ll never wear beige

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I hope that TS would agree with the ‘beige’ bit. It’s a Euro-male thing I guess… they reach a certain age and it’s beige slacks and beige windcheater to adorn their beige psyches.
    To continue the meme, may it never be that we decide metaphorically “I grow old, I grow old — I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled”

    Liked by 1 person

  4. My batwings are ready to take off, it seems.

    I looked up tips on going back to my natural hair color and now every site I go to I get ads for “makeup tips for women in their 60s”. I’m 38, but I guess going back to greying naturally isn’t heard of at this age!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I’m with you on the thinning hair. If my MIL pets my head one more time and tells me how my hair used to be so much thicker and so much darker and so much curlier, I’m afraid I’ll have psychotic episode!
    I think I’ve had flappy arms for a long time. I’ve long envied the arms of others.
    No walking farts.
    No weird eyesight issues.
    My tummy’s been flubby since baby #4. I do think it’s sliding down my body…
    My recent disturbance has been this shading on my forehead. This uneven skin tone, which, as I get closer to the mirror, looks like a fingerprint whorl of wrinkles. It’s not even. Shouldn’t the wrinkles come symmetrically?!?

    Liked by 1 person

    • The other day as I was going downstairs at my home I noticed a creaking. I tried the step over and over again, then tried the next one and next one. The creak followed my all the way down those stupid stairs. Then I realized it was not the stairs. It was my knees!!!!

      Liked by 2 people

  6. This was hilarious, until I read the symptoms the second time…and realized that I have every one, and many you didn’t mention as well. I never think about ‘old’ much until I read things like this – avoidance I suppose – but damn, there it is smacking me in the face. At least I’m not alone…

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Think yourself lucky, only last week I caught sight of a woman in a shop window…muttering to myself what was the ‘Old Mare’ staring at ..only to be hit like a ton of bricks when I realised it was my reflection, I’m now thinking of taking to the demon drink, except I cant be bothered so I’ll just make do with a cup of tea LOL

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Don’t you just love those bat wings! I hit the process early by finding myself grey at 25. I was having none of it and have been all kinds of every colour since.
    Now I have three girls with the perfect figures making me look like… well their mother. Waaahhhh. Feck getting older.
    On the other hand I am having more fun now than ever before in my life.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I am laughing so hard right now! OMG! Honey, I am probably 18 years older then you are, and you talk about SHOCK? Wait until you hit the bit M! You aint seen nothing yet! No matter how much I work out, now I have sagging wrinkles. GROSS! My suave tight waistline, no more. Rolls. TEARS. As for walking farts, that is in my family too, and that is when I quit! *horror all over face* As it is, I have been noticing more gas lately. OH NO! My neighbor who is older, has the walking farts. OMG!! I’m destined for that? HOLY MOLY? I swore I would never get old, but BUT!!! IT IS HAPPENING!!!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Its funny, at 40, I was more worried about getting older than I do now that I am. However, I feel like I have a better handle on what is important in life….believe me, those flappy arms and other badges of age are an honor to support. The alternative, Death, is not. Be glad you have the chance to get old, even though parts of it really suck……
    And to the walking farts, learn to play a tune and be creative! Then people can say, Oh look, here come Colliope Butt.”

    Liked by 2 people

  11. I couldn’t stop laughing !!! Yes, I just noticed my flabby (jiggly) arms flapping in the wind, not to mention the slapping sound I’m hearing from my thighs when I run ~ oh yes, at 58 I’m feeling all and more of your list.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Not sure when it happened, but I don’t restrict my waistline anymore…everything is stretchy and elastic and…well, comfortable. That’s a problem when you reach for a garment that you’re sure will still fit. It has a real waist, and you no longer do. sigh….

    Are walking farts a thing? Would they not come out if you stood still? Confused. โ˜บ

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I have grey hair in my beard and on my head though that never bothered me. I am reaching the point where I will need presbyopic correction as well, doesn’t matter. I think the only thing that does matter is the odd occasion when the back creaks for no reason, though I’d quit for the walking farts too! ๐Ÿ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

  14. After one year of yoga minus the first three months of the year….the jiggle has subsided. Thinning hair….no luck…pudgy middle….hot power yoga has helped….I don’t have the fart thing but I pee when I sneeze sometimes. It’s hell getting old!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. It’s always something that takes us by surprise. My upper arms seemed to get flabby over a few years, even though I do try to exercise. The real shocker was sometime around age 51 when all of a sudden I discovered my upper thighs had turned into jiggly jelly. I swear it happened overnight. But I don’t feel so alone after reading this post.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I would think the walking farts would kind of eliminate the invisibility thing. You know, they might not see you, but they’d certainly hear–and smell–you. ๐Ÿ™‚

    My mom is 92. I don’t think she really started getting “old” until she was in her 80s, so I feel like I have some time.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. I’m half laughing. I feel your pain. I just started HRT which when realized it was needed was a hard pill to swallow. Having said that it’s been absolutely life changing in a positive way for me. I can’t believe the difference. I feel like a whole new person.
    Says the one that is going blind deaf and dealing with some jiggly parts too. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Oh and I have my thinning hair all over my computer as I type. Ha!

    Liked by 1 person

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