This Halloween we gave out 1,780 pieces of candy in about two hours. Friends came over, bringing extra candy to help out. By 7:30 PM we were done, forced to make a rapid retreat into the house while ducking insults from those who got turned away. At some point the police showed up next door…
Each year, I see things that drive me absolutely crazy. This Halloween was no exception.
The grandmother taking a little girl around the neighborhood who had a tiny Chihuahua dressed as a pirate cradled in her arms. I gave the little girl a piece of candy and she turned to start back down the walk. The grandmother, however, stood there expectantly, holding out another bag, indicating that she was trick or treating for her dog. She refused to budge until I dropped a candy bar into the bag.
Worse, there were several other grandmothers and parents in no costume at all and with no dog in costume who were also trick or treating for themselves. I just don’t get it. Steal from your kids like everyone else, OK?
Some parents were drunk.
Some were high.
Some drove slowly down the street in their car, watching their very little kids (ages 4 or 5) from their vehicles instead of walking with them. Some had their kids ride on the hoods of the cars or on open tailgates from house to house. This is not a neighborhood of vast estates, mind you. We are pretty darn close together.
Some were having loud conversations on their phones as they walked their kids around. “Hold on… Sweetie, tell the nice lady thank you... OK, so Steve says blah, blah, blah…”
There were a lot of kids carrying two bags, one for them, one for a mysterious sibling that was not with them. Does that sibling actually exist? I have my doubts.
Several kids were running, elbowing their way in front of the other hoards. They were too out of breath to say “Trick or treat!” and did not stick around long enough to say thank you before they were tearing off to the next house. I sort of hoped they would trip on a flower bed… A skinned knee maybe? Nothing serious, just something to slow them down a bit.
Many walked right through my yard (a thousand people walking through your wet, muddy yard is NOT cool). There is a side walk.
Others came through two or three times. I know because they had no masks on and I recognized their parents.
There were parents dressed up as police officers or princesses while their two year old was dressed as a terrifying bloodied zombie carcass. I don’t get it. I doubt that toddler asked to be a zombie.
Some kids did not like the one candy per person policy and demanded that I give them more. Some did not like the candy they were given and demanded that I take back the Kit-Kat, damn it, and give them a Butterfinger. Others argued that I did not give them candy at all and when I told them that I did in fact give them candy twice (their costumes affected their peripheral vision so I tried again to get them to register the weight of the candy bar plopping into their bag) refused to leave until I gave them more. Maybe it was my fault. When they show up 30 or 40 at a time, it is hard to keep track.
Several had no idea where they were and wanted the name of the street spelled out for them, perhaps to text it to their ride or enter it into GPS?
But my biggest pet peeve of all is having to pick up after people who eat their candy right then, dropping their wrappers on the ground in front of me. Is that really necessary?!?!?! I understand that you like chocolate. Who doesn’t? Put the wrapper in your gosh darn bag for crying out loud, NOT in my grass!
Be warned: Next year I will not dress up like pirate Merida. No Victorian princess. No steampunk diva. Oh, no. Next year I am dressing as an elderly curmudgeon and yelling at people from my front porch.