Happy Valentine

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“What is love, doc?”

“That’s an awfully deep question for a Tuesday morning office visit….” I was about to open my mouth to ask how the visit with the GI specialist had gone. The colonoscopy and EGD had been negative as was the CT scan and ultrasound and all of the blood work.

“I’ll tell you what it is. It’s sticking around in a relationship even though you desperately want to leave because it would be worse to watch your kids torn apart by conflicting loyalties; forcing them to float between two worlds, unable to put down roots because they do not feel as if they can completely belong in either of them.”

The silence continued for a second as she let that sink in.

“This is why you are having all of those GI issues isn’t it?”

“Probably….”

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86 thoughts on “Happy Valentine

  1. The psychology of stress… so true that stress can cause physical distress. I lived it for years without acknowledging it, living a life of denial and telling myself that I could handle it for the greater good of the children. Then grace found me. Glad you shared your story.

    Liked by 1 person

      • There are professional Psychiatrist-MD to deal with childhood distresses and divorces; there are Psychologist to do the same. The after affect of being in a hostile environment growing up would do more damage then separating and going about your business as adults should do when a marriage and/or relationship can no longer continue. If a relationship and/or marriage counseling does not work, get on with it and seek help professionally for the children. That is exactly what I’d do if faced with that scenario! PERIOD!

        Liked by 2 people

      • Physicians and psychiatrists can do very little to fix the trauma. Bandaids maybe but very little to fix it. Have you read about Adverse Childhood Events? Fascinating stuff. That does not mean that staying is the right decision, either, though.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. That’s why so many woman divorce their husbands once the kids are grown and gone. Personally, it wouldn’t be worth the grief to me to put up with someone for the sake of the kids, and I think the kids know when mom is unhappy and are affected by it. I guess that poor woman wouldn’t win either way.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. Wow I didn’t realize I missed so many of your post…that’s what happens when your doing massive yard work…LOL love…isn’t that where the love/hate term came from….love….some days are over the moon, others deep breathing and counting to 10 are needed, but wouldn’t give em up for all the money in the world…LOL love the advice you gave the father regarding his little girl…trust, I hope they went to counseling…and bravo to you for standing by your convictions….Isn’t it fun when you finally realize its not a perfect world and its okay….YAY!!! and for therapy I love to embroidery…and play piano….sorry for answering all the post in this one…LOL kat

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wow Docs become therapist’s too?! When I go to the docs I go in, joke a little and deal with the reason I’m there. It’s so foreign to me to hear all the things your patients talk about with you.
    The most forward I’ve been with my doc was maybe yesterday. He walked into the room and before he got on his computer I told him I wanted him to see my finger before it went back to normal. It was very blue. (Can you guess?)

    Liked by 1 person

  5. My parents divorced. I don’t know how old I was. I’m the 5th of 5 kids. My oldest sib is 6 years older than I. Oldest sib once said to someone that the kids will ALWAYS and forever wish the parents will get back together. I looked at her like she was Martian, speaking in an alien language. I NEVER had that wish. Assuming all kids experience lifetime damage because of their parents divorce is faulty. We don’t.

    Now I have a close relative who has already divorced. She is trying to decide what community to live in, one nearby that would be good for the kids and bad for her, or one a little farther from their dad that would be better for the kids educationally and socially, slightly less good for their relationship with their dad, and excellent for her. Which will she choose?? I think not the one I wish for her.

    Liked by 1 person

      • I would never suggest that divorce is wrong for everyone or that everyone is affected in the same way. Part of us all being unique human beings is the difficulty of predicting how anyone will be touched by anything. I have the unfortunate benefit, however, of seeing the extreme effects of relationships falling apart. As a kid all I wanted was for my parents to divorce. Every day I wished it. That has its own scars, I guess. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Her use of the word desperately concerns me. If she is/was being verbally or physically abused, I hope she figures/figured out a way to get help and/or leave. If there is no abuse, and she stays in the relationship, then I hope she finds a way to have fun and enjoy her life regardless, until she feel ready to leave, or it gets better.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I used to travel quite a bit on business, and chatted with kids of divorce, travelling alone, shuffling between parents, or grandparents (parents of other parent). These children were, to my surprise at the time, apparently untraumatized if the divorce was over a year prior. Some explicitly expressed that it turned out that the divorce was preferable to the arguing that had come before.

    My sample would be small, and probably atypical: Higher-income, more outgoing (they were willing to talk with me, although kids tend to–I’m pretty childlike 🙂 ).

    I cannot separate my feelings from my own personal experience of my abusive marriage, either. Were I to have another chance, I would not stay for the sake of the children. Instead of saving two lives, two, possibly three, were badly damaged in my own family, and my presence enabled my spouse to do harm to others outside the family.

    My opinion is that if you think your family environment is poisonous, you are not in a family, and what you are in should be dissolved for the sake of your health and a chance for the better health of your children. The sooner the better.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. My parents stayed together for the sake of us…that’s what my mom told us when she finally decided to leave. I am her youngest and I was 20 at the time. Problem was, all we grew up witnessing was a loveless marriage that scarred us all. So I guess I would never advocate for staying for the sake of the kids.
    But then again…one can only make ones own mind.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. The kids can feel it when their parents aren’t happy. I’m a child of divorce and my parents never spoke ill of each other in front of us. They never did any long, arduous legal process. They were so young (25ish) and handled it in a very adult manner. I can’t imagine them being in a relationship at all. I think we all ended up healthier this way.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. There are so many possible ways to live—what is right for each person can only be known by them. Sometimes we can let our heads confuse us—we overanalyze or worry too much about what others might think. But I think our gut always knows what is right for us. I will be so bold as to say that, in my humble opinion, all illness has its roots in longstanding negative emotion and unhealthy beliefs.

    Happy Valentine’s Day! :)))

    Liked by 1 person

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