Aw, Muck

  

I am stubborn.

Sometimes I do things just to be obstinate. 

I admit it. It’s a thing I do. Sometimes I have to stop and weigh if what I am doing is because I was told I shouldn’t or because I really ought to do it that way. 

Why?

Because I can.

I need to feel like I have control. 

My daughter behaves similarly. When I ask her to do something she does not like, all rational thought leaves her body and she burns with a white hot over the top anger that will not be controlled. She very purposefully and very deliberately does the exact opposite of what she was instructed.

Because she, too, craves control.

Case in point: The other day she refused to move or speak for over an hour and a half when her teacher told her how she was supposed to color her Valentine’s packet. She still ignored the instructions and when she was called out on it, she lost it. The principal had to forcibly remove her from the classroom. A parent was required to leave work to intervene.

“But mommy! I wanted to color it rainbow!” Sob. “It was supposed to be RAINBOW!!! It would have been much prettier that way…” More sobbing.

Genes? 

Environment? 

Hell if I know. 

But I will tell you this: It is terribly frightening to watch your own children struggle with your own issues and realize that maybe you don’t even have it figured out for yourself enough to help them.

*shuffles off to worry about whether or not she made the right decision to forgo computers on extendable arms in her clinic exam rooms…* (At least I didn’t scream about it.)

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82 thoughts on “Aw, Muck

  1. Ah, so much here. Personally, I shift between being very compliant — just tell me what you want, and I’ll do it — and being very stubborn — hell no I won’t do that! As to the disagreement with the teacher, being told what to do on something of no importance would bring out the stubborn in me. And being told what to do on something of no importance is a way to kill someone’s soul… Good for her.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Makes me think of that Simpsons episode, where Lisa made friends with the daughter of a billionaire. “My island, my rules. When you have your own island, you can go by your rules. “

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sounds like my older granddaughter.
    I did it because that’s how thing were done way back 40 years ago. I forced my daughter to fit into the small box of how and what she was supposed to do. I wish I could have allowed her to fly. Learn at her own speed and way. Why can’t we allow children to experiment, to express themselves?

    Liked by 4 people

  4. LOL. A daughter just like you? I had one like that – she was absolutely the toughest kid to raise, because she was so much like I was as a child. I’ll never forget the day we tried a “time out” at dinner and made her stand in a corner for 5 minutes. At the end of the 5 minutes, she absolutely refused to leave that corner, and we wound up having to cajole her with food. She won that battle, and we never tried time out with her again. Now she’s an adult, and is the most thoughtful and caring of my 3 girls – just like me.

    Liked by 5 people

  5. I understand the whole thing about following instruction and respecting your teacher but this is a Valentine’s Day card. Shouldn’t she have been allowed to be creative and color it the way she wanted?
    That being said, there will come a point in her life when someone will tell her to do something and will not expect pushback.
    But that time is not now. So when should be lesson be taught and how far does one go to teach it. Forcibly removing a child from the room sounds extreme to me, unless there is a history of it..:)

    Liked by 2 people

  6. If a teacher is there to instruct then a child needs to listen to the Teacher. Coming from a family of Educators in the elementary sector (both private and public) Brother and sister-in-law on a Masters Level, there was a reason your child (like my children have instructions) that being said from experience I know the teacher’s intent was for a reason of learning, taking instruction and doing so, not being rebellious. There is always a time and place for creativity that was not the time. Thus, should be explained by the parent and an exercise done at home craft wise to allow that child to be creative-hence a rainbow! That’s your job Doc! As a mother to five I know this exists and my job is for my children to learn and grown without losing individuality. They do not buck, sass or there will be consequences. It should not come to that.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Hey Victo,

    The imagination is possibly the last great bastion of freedom any of us have and to confine it to absurd rules and regulations at the dictate or diminutive whim of another is wholly unwarranted. Personally, I see it as yet another example of the myopia of anally retentive institutions attempting to impose administrative and cultural uniformity on an individual’s creativity (hence controlling their propensity for independent thought) and it makes my blood boil!

    Rant over. Thank you 🙂

    Namaste

    DN – 18/02/2016

    Liked by 5 people

  8. “It is terribly frightening to watch your own children struggle with your own issues and realize that maybe you don’t even have it figured out for yourself enough to help them.” <—- I think this is universal.
    My eldest daughter is stubborn, but none of the rest of us are. Being stubborn has its advantages. That kid (she's grown, but she's my kid, lol) is very determined, focused, and hard-working. I've seen her use stubborn advantageously, and it's impressive. When it's not used well, it's devastating. I do not think it's genetic or learned, I think sometimes it just is.
    I don't know anyone who isn't glowing with white hot rage on occasion. Some rarely, some often, but it's just a thing. People have meltdowns.

    You know it probably would've been prettier in a RAINBOW, right?

    Liked by 4 people

  9. Oh, this one hits home. My child has had similar experiences in a classroom. That’s a tough one. I really don’t like when they tell you how to color something though. I’m sure rainbow would have looked pretty!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Oh, when you see yourself in those children. We can all learn a lot about ourselves in the revelation. And it’s even more flattering when they grow up and recognize the similarity, and no longer fight it. It’s all good, Doc. “Don’t Push the River…It Flows by Itself”. 💕

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Shame on the teacher who provoked this much of a response to a Valentine. But at the same time, as a teacher, there has to be some control by the teacher over the student. Not all is loss, your daughter and the teacher, as they will learn eventually that neither is in control all the time. But to make someone react that much bares a look into why. Children who revolt usually have a reason to do so. There is a reason we all want control and that is feeling safe. Same with all of us as adults. Her teacher forgot to provide safety for her to want to make a choice and conform when required. Hence, emotional outburst. What would have happened if she gave her two? One to do her way later at home and one to conform to the instructions of the class? She is five for crying out loud. I could never teach young children. But then I have had my share of outburst from older kids too.

    Liked by 3 people

    • I think the copy for home would be a stroke of genius. I have no idea if would have deescalated the situation, though. Any teacher that would have tried that would be saint, however, I think teachers are only human, too, and it is much easier to be a saint with one child instead of a room full of them. That being said, she still loves her teacher even after everything was said and done. 😉

      Like

    • I try to emphasize to her that it is OK to be upset, that the key is how we respond to our negative feelings. That is what determines our character. Still. It is a hard lesson for an almost five year old. Rainbows are so powerful. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Great MUCKY photo to go with the post, Victo! Wow…poor kid! Hard to follow directions when your mind is set on something else! Maybe teacher could have explained that to her and said she could do another like a Rainbow? I don’t know. I hate to see creativity stifled! Elizabeth

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Hard to argue with rainbows 😉 I understand though, it’s tough to see some of those same traits. When I see LM struggling with his mood or anxiety, I wonder how much of it is truly genetic and how much of it is my own crappy coping skills rubbing off on him.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. God bless you, Victo, and your little girl!! Hopefully nobody is able to “beat” that love of freedom, creativity, imagination and self-love out of you and her and domesticate you like little sheep.
    Someone telling a child how to color a Valentine is like someone telling us how to love.
    I am beyond disbelief reading how the teacher and the school handled the situation. 😦

    My son just turned 5. We home school, but I recently talked to someone that circumstances may require me to place children in school, and my heart broke into pieces, because I knew right away, he would not be able to cope/handle/adjust to any of the requirements in school environment, and I so do not want him to, either. We can love our wild children just the way they are and let them slowly figure out which directions in life they want to follow and which ones not. Blindly following directions leads us to the many problems we face now as a society.
    Look at any true teachers. Jesus. Buddha. A true teacher empowers the student, not tries to establish control. A true teacher opens unlimited possibilities for a student, not tries to stifle one’s self.

    I would be curious to hear what you talked to her about the situation.

    Liked by 3 people

      • I really feel for you and your little girl and the teacher in this conundrum. Most children know very well intuitively what rules make sense and what rules do not. When we demonstrate to a child that a ‘Rule to follow direction’ so that each Valentine in the whole group is the same (or whatever the motivation behind that request was – I am not even sure), that this ‘Rule’ is more important than the love for the child, or how a child feels (which in my book is the only True Rule!), then we start messing up the whole understanding of what matters and what does not. It is sad, because if we helped our people who work with children, they would not only make children more empowered and happy little people but would also themselves feel so much more empowered (the true, authentic power – NOT control) and so much more rewarded. Best wishes to you and all involved. Good opportunity to read your children “the Golden Rule” 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  15. I think we all have that impulse, at least a little.
    I have one child who stubbornly and often inflexibly insists on the rules no matter what, and one who you never give advice to because she will do the opposite out of spite. Both ways of dealing with the world have their advantages and obvious disadvantages.
    I myself like a little subversion. Good for your daughter for seeing the stupidity of only one way to make a valentine I say…(K)

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Actually, and I should let this go…your daughter disengaged from the class for over an hour and half and then the teacher said something?…. At that point, it was no longer about the Valentine. Why did she let this go on so long? All that time, your daughter was building up resentment and fear and I am not surprised she would have reacted like she did. And then removed from the classroom by the principal??? We are talking a five year old correct? This does not sound like just an issue with your daughter. Just saying……

    Liked by 1 person

  17. I can think of more than one time when each of my children rebelled in response to my attempts to control them. Hopefully the teacher and your daughter will learn from this experience. It will be really cool when your daughter learns to take deep breaths and respond with something like, “I will color my valentines if I can color them rainbow,” followed by more deep breaths and not having a melt down. I’m telling myself this as much as anyone, because sometimes I forget to respond rationally. I had a melt down, fortunately in the privacy of my own home, just the other day. And your daughter is FIVE!

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  18. Pingback: My Article Read (2-18-2016) – My Daily Musing

  19. Oh my gosh. This is so embarrassing and on a number of levels. Remember before Christmas that I said I had something I wanted to mail to you. Well, there were ten of them that I packaged up and mailed a several at a time as some went overseas and I knew the postage would be expensive. But then somehow yours got shoved under my sewing mess on top of my dining room table (which was also where I was wrapping these things up and getting them ready to mail) and I just now found yours that never got put in the mail. Since it was time sensitive that’s an especially big boo boo in and of itself. Now I have to fess up to the fact that I’m just now, nearly two months later, straigtening up the mess on my dining room table. So now you know that on top of being scatterbrained, I’m also a slob at times. But, fear not, now that I’ve discovered my incompetency and egregious error, I will be putting the thing in the mail TOMORROW so you’ll at least be able to get some enjoyment out of the rest of it. I’m so sorry. I just can’t believe I’ve done such a careless and stupid thing. Hugs, Mrs. Scareyberry 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

      • I wish you had. It might have made me go look to see if I had mailed it and found out sooner than in fact I hadn’t. I just can’t believe I’ve done this. Again I’m so sorry, and this time if you don’t get it sometime next week, please do let me know. Love, Mrs. Battyberry 🙂 ❤

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  20. While I understand that an important part of school for young kids is to teach them how to follow rules in a group setting, we seem to be doing less and less to allow them to establish their own boundaries. And to have stringent rules for coloring? PUHLEESE.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. *Sigh* Brings back memories of my own daughter when she was little. When she was about three or four she would drop to the floor like a marionette that had its strings cut and wail uncontrollably. I would just step over her until she was done. Then when she was a little older and defiant about something, we would send her to her room. Didn’t bother her a bit. We could hear her singing to herself. She spent practically her whole sophomore year in high school (outside of class) in her room for various infractions. Phone privileges and TV privileges, etc., were taken away. I told my husband that, at this rate, by her senior year she would be sleeping on a bare mattress on the floor. But…she turned out great. She’s a wonderful mother to two great kids and a successful furniture designer. And she’s one tough cookie who’s had to make some difficult decisions but had the strength of character to do the right thing. It’ll work out okay for you too.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. I absolutely get this post. McMini is a chip off the old block. ‘Don’t be like me!’ I beg him, ‘be organised like your Dad.’ He doesn’t listen. Or, more likely, he can’t. He is lovely however he turns out but I don’t want him to feel the frustration I feel… So tricky isn’t it!?

    Cheers

    MTM

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Also remember that our children – unknowingly – exact revenge for the wrongs we did to our parents. (Knowingly or not)
    You cannot change who you are, and likely there is little we can do to “change” our children. At best, we can “orient” them.
    Now, in both your cases, yours and your daughter’s (4 going on 24, right?) you are “control freaks”? Fine. Generally provides for good… outputs. If more people were control freaks, products and services would be better. The only question is: does anger help? I’m not sure it does. Most times anger is a symptom of frustration. In Mexico (and Africa) they say: he/she who gets angry has lost. The battle, the argument. With my staff here I only got mad, when necessary. On purpose. So as to never lose control… over myself. 😉
    Be good Doc.
    (The extendable arm thing is a good idea, but have you considered…?)

    Liked by 1 person

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