My hands ran over the surface of the baby swing, clearing off the layer of dust. It had been in storage for a few years. Only now, as I was pulling things out for a yard sale, had I seen and touched it again. What I felt, what I saw in my mind, made me pull back in shock.
Memories. Feelings. But not good ones.
I had expected happy, nostalgic baby thoughts to come flooding back. Not this. It is strange and uncanny, how much emotion an object can carry. An inanimate thing creating such a visceral reaction. Boggles the mind.
I am so glad that is over.
It struck me then, right there in my driveway, five years later.
I was not right in the head, I do know that.
Could it be possible?
I think back on that period now and the stress was overwhelming. I had a locum that was barely competent covering my new practice while on leave. Maternity was going to put my clinic tens of thousands of dollars in the hole. Then, I hired the partner from hell who made every day back a living nightmare until she finally left a year later. Family and social stresses were beyond measure. I remember how erratic and sometimes irrational my behavior was at the time but in the midst of it I truly believed that everything I was doing seemed reasonable and right.
Truthfully, I consider myself to be a fairly strong person. I never even entertained the possibility of something wrong with me emotionally. I am not weak. Nothing like that could ever happen to ME, you understand…..
Which then makes me wonder, who steps in to tell the doctor that she needs help? People around me thought I was crazy, I am sure, but no one took me by the shoulders, looked me in the eye, and said, “Hey, you need help.”
Would I have even listened?
And, just so you know, in case you were curious, I’m not talking about the colic baby. She came along after, but most definitely before I had “recovered” my faculties. THAT prolonged my issues for sure.
What had I been thinking, believing I could have two under two? How do women with twins survive? I cannot even imagine.
Here we are. I am in a much better place now. Probably. At the very least I am less crazy and that is a thing of beauty.
Let’s see if I can get $5 for that baby swing… To be honest, though, I would be willing to give it away. I don’t ever want to see or touch it again.