Gravitational Pull 

giant ringed planets hanging from a glass ceiling at Adler Planetarium in Chicago

I like sex. 

I am a really, really big fan of sex. 

Good sex.

With the right person at the right time, an orgasm is the most deliciously exquisite thing you can ever experience.

Jane, though, asked me what I would say to my kids in 10-13 years if they come to me saying they wanted to have sex. 

Several things….

First, I really DO hope my kids feel they can share that with me when the time comes. 

Second, I hope I can be rational about my response. I will admit that I have serious, legitimate concerns about my staying calm.

Third, I hope that someday they get to experience some really great sex.

By the time they are considering sex, they will already be so sick of listening to their doctor mom talking about STDs, after I show them picture after picture after of the ravages of disease, I won’t even have to say anything more about that.

To my daughter I would say that our first time having sex as women is a very emotional act and ties us to that other person forever. The people in between? Meh. That is hit or miss. Choose wisely with this first one because you will have them in your head, and potentially your heart, forever. 

As women, we bear the brunt of childbirth, child rearing, and disease. Engaging in sex is an expression of self sacrifice… symbolically and often literally giving your life and your future to another person. It can be a beautiful thing or it can become a very painful nightmare. 

And I would also advise her that it won’t be fun, that first time. Painful physically, yes, but not fun. She likely will not achieve orgasm, because let’s face it, boys in that demographic are piss poor lovers. She will have way more fun if she waits.

To my son, I would say many of the same things I would say above. I would also tell him that love is not sex and sex is not love. Some girls do things they will regret because they are desperate for love and they don’t understand the difference between the two themselves. 

I would tell him that controlling himself and his desires and urges is a key part of becoming a man. Control is sexy. Strength of character is sexy, sexier even than physical strength. 

I would make sure they both know how to protect themselves properly from pregnancy and disease. Then I would step back and pray that what I have taught them over the years sticks with them and guides them to good choices.

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89 thoughts on “Gravitational Pull 

  1. First of all, excellent opening line! Secondly, your words to your young son should be the lyrics of a hit song sung by Taylor Swift or whoever are the current male/female/both sexes pop icons. I fear with the easy access to porn that there is less and less control and more sense of entitlement to women’s bodies by men than ever before. It is a confusing time to be a young person navigating sexuality. Your kids are lucky to have you as a guide.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Good advice. A bit negative. I did not know much about sex growing up, and age 19, I was probably the last virgin among my friends. But then ,many years after, I had my sexual revolution, and wrote my partly fictionalised memoir about this.” A Woman with (no) Strings Attached. ”
    NOT a read for teenagers.
    Now I know that sex is fun,, and sex with somebody you love and who knows what he/she is doing is magical.

    I would probably give some extra advice to the teenagers. Of course safety from pregnancy and illness is most important. But sex is also about being observant, paying attention to what works and what doesn’t. Sex is about trying to make sure the partner enjoys it at least as much as I do. Sex is about communication, respect, interest, and being bold enough to ask and answer intimate questions.

    The other advice I would give is :
    Don’t do anything you don’t want to do.

    I love your blog, but I was a bit absent, grieving for my mother, sorting out things.
    Lucie ( your fellow medic, so different in every aspect, which is nice.)

    Liked by 2 people

  3. That’s about the only thing you can do. We’ve talked to our boys about sex, and the risks associated with it. But, we’ve also made a point of educating them about love, about sex being expression of intimacy, and about protecting themselves and their partners. We’ve also made a point to explain how to treat their partners with respect, with dignity, and to adhere to their wishes, whether it’s a yes or a no. I hope they’re listening. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This made me laugh out loud -> “…they will already be so sick of listening to their doctor mom talking about STDs, after I show them picture after picture after of the ravages of disease, I won’t even have to say anything more about that.”

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Good plan. Hope it works for you. My experience with my girls was that I basically explained sex to them before they became teenagers, but not one of them ever came to me and asked about it before actually doing it. Maybe as a doctor, your kids will be more open about stuff like that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I sure wish being a doctor made me wiser as a mom. I am afraid I am bumbling around like the rest of the world. Your girls turned out great and you did not have a detailed sex attack plan in place. Goes to show that what you do BEFORE sex comes up is probably where it’s at. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      • Yep, all you can do is raise the kids the best way you can and hope some of the teachings sink in. My mother always told me if you haven’t turned your kids into good human beings by the time they start kindergarten, you’ve already lost the battle. Allowing, of course, for normal childhood tantrums, etc.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. I raised three daughters who are all married now. I think Wr had every conversation possible though I never pulled out photos. Nice touch, Doc. 😊
    Well written with sound and sensitive advice. Your children are in good hands.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I agree with the others; sounds like good advice. This post reminds me of the HIMYM episode which reveals all of the characters’ “first times” (and I think there’s somewhat of a similar message beneath the jokes in the show).

    Liked by 1 person

    • It is one of the hardest things a parent can talk to their kid about. I feel for you. That being said, and I will have to give myself this pep talk in a few years because the whole thing terrifies me too, you are the one who has the most influence on her future when it comes to sex. I wish my own father had sat me down and had a talk. AND you don’t want her to get her info from misguided peers. Like the rumor I heard from a pregnant patient a few years ago that sucking on lemons made an acidic vagina that prevents pregnancy…

      Like

  8. Reblogged this on Living On Gingham Lane and commented:
    As a single mother, I find this to be wise advice to children. It is modern, real and pragmatic. I wish I had expressed this advice myself with I had the sex talk with my son. Most of all, it is advice from personal experience and observation. The writer just happens to be a doctor also

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Reblogged this on Living On Gingham Lane and commented:
    As a single mother, I find this to be wise advice to children. It is modern, real and pragmatic. I wish I had expressed this advice myself with I had the sex talk with my son. Most of all, it is advice from personal experience and observation. The writer just happens to be a doctor also

    Like

  10. That is an excellent plan. Short of photos, I do/ have done the same.
    It’s important to remember that when people fall in love they lose half their sense, so you wanna cram as much in there as you can beforehand 😉 lol

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Great post Victo. I am way past those years as a grandmother of 5.
    I sent my sons to college well equipped with good healthy knowledge,
    and tons of condoms.
    My New England bred husband was horrified that I was so “outrageous.”
    I was protecting all involved in any sexual encounter.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. It might be different with girls & boys. Both my boys said, don’t worry!
    “We know all about it.” They still got a bit more straightforward and honest, but fun talk.
    Mom asked me on my wedding night if I needed to know anything?
    At 22, you know darn well you are not asking for help.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Haha! 10-13 years from now? Your daughter would be what? 14 going on 36? Scary.
    Always difficult to place a priority. First the pregnancy and disease, second, how great (some) sex is? Hmmm. Not sure. About the order. As a doctor mom, it may be the most difficult decision you take. Good luck with that.
    How was back to work, Victoire?

    Liked by 1 person

  14. As a parent is learned to lower my expectations regarding how much I could control. I suspect that your honesty attitude and acceptance regarding how natural sex is will result in some fun and educational talks with your children.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Agree with you mostly! But I dunno about a girl’s first time never being good. My first time was with my husband on my wedding night and I wasn’t expecting anything because we were both virgins, but I totally had an orgasm and was like OMG WOW MY HUSBAND IS A SEX GOD. Haha! Maybe it was beginner’s luck, but hey, it happens. 😛

    Liked by 1 person

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