A Day of Patient Comments

carvings, Field Museum in Chicago

She looked me up and down disapprovingly. “Doc, that scarf. You need more color. Too much black and brown today.” 

Several hours later, a different patient… Same scarf. “Doc, you look so gorgeous! I adore that scarf!!!”

“Doc, we love your butt! We could just eat that butt up!” From two grown women in with their elderly mother. 

“Oh, Doc, I know it’s a benign skin lesion. I’ve got another one over here. I just wanted you to hold my leg like that. Made my day. My year! I might be old, but I’m not dead…”

“Doc, I am glad to see you don’t drive a sissy sports car!” Yelled across the parking lot by a patient as I was getting out of my big black pick-up truck.

“The only good thing about coming to the doctor is that I get to see you!”

Pan, at On The Road Cooking, asked about best patient one-liners. These are a few. I’ve done a bunch of other posts over the years with funny things patients say. While some of the things may seem shocking to you, I am used to it. Provided they are not being ugly, I just let it go. 

Fiction Friday will start next week!


95 thoughts on “A Day of Patient Comments

    • These people are not trying to offend. They are good people and I appreciate that they feel they can share their thoughts about my scarves and such. The butt comment made me a bit uncomfortable but I fixed that by sitting down on it. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 3 people

  1. Funny stuff. I wonder if patients say crazy things because they’re nervous being around medical people. I once was asked to provide a urine sample. But I couldn’t go. I felt embarrassed, so I wrote a little note and put it inside the empty cup, that said, “Sorry, I can’t help you today.” A few minutes later, I could hear them laughing in the back room.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I guess what it means is, you’re kind of family … or at any rate a close member of the community. Not the same as being a friend, but still an intimate relationship. So while from your perspective you have a bunch of near-strangers saying unexpected things to you, from their/our perspective, it’s a way of slotting you into the closest possible approximation of your place in their intimacy scale. Does that make sense?

    I must share a story with you … When the Girl Child was around four years old she woke me up before dawn one morning, screaming in pain and vomiting. I immediately called our doctor, who told me to come to his home. We lived beyond the outskirts of Johannesburg, while he lived in an inner suburb, so even without traffic it was a pretty long drive. By the time I got to her she was reasonably calm, but still pretty sick. He diagnosed encephalitis (she was just coming out of a bout with mumps) and sent us straight to the hospital.

    She recovered just fine but it was a scary episode for a solo mommy. So when she woke me up in the small hours a couple weeks later and said she needed to go see the doctor, I didn’t think twice – I called him, jumped into my car, and got us there as far as possible. He sat her on his dining room table, sat down in front of her, and said, “Hello there! What’s wrong? Are you feeling sick? Is your head sore?”

    “Oh no, Dr Schapkaitz,” she said with a big smile. “I just missed you and I wanted to visit you again!” Oy…

    Liked by 4 people

  3. Loved this. During my first c-section I threatened to yell “Freedom” a la Braveheart as my daughter was removed. I honestly don’t remember if I did it for real or not. I thin I did. Those were some good drugs. I also made an inappropriate remark about never wanting steak dinner again when my OB was using that cauterizing knife thing.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I can’t imagine saying this stuff to a Dr. ever. Having said that I do call the Physicians assistant at my Internist office “Doogie.” He’s so young. I’ve not once ever called him by his professional name. I can’t help it, he became “Doogie” to me the first time I ever met him and now it’s a habit. It also teaches him to laugh and joke a little.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. The BAD nurse in the ER had put my iv in my elbow and it was terribly painful. I begged and begged him to move it, it hurt so much.
    Well this other nurse… Upstairs in the surgical ward, she cracked somethin warm and put it over the iv on my arm and the pain went away entirely. Instant relief. I swear she was an angel. I loved her so hard. Most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. Like a glowing vision of light and love she was. Don’t remember what she looked like…It’s a shame I had already married. πŸ˜‰
    Y’all medical peoples see us for so many reasons, but often when we’re vulnerable and sometimes, drugged into more openness than usual. lol

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hahaha! Whenever I was coming to after having my wisdom teeth taken out, I embarrassed by dad and grandma by giving the dentist a hard time for his chest hair puffing out of his scrubs. Apparently I was howling with laughter, but at least I had the drugs as a good excuse πŸ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Oh boy. You have some hysterical patients. I think all the comments are great except for the butt chewing comment. That was a doozie for sure. Good to know that you drive a PU. So do I and it was my husband’s 98 4×4 GMC truck. I love it to pieces. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

      • Ah yes. Very true. My PU is double cab but it’s not the tall, loaded, fancy, smancy PUs such as yours that brings respect from other drivers. But mine has an iron cattle guard and an iron grill that covers each tail light. Impressive, it was, in its day. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      • Fancy doesn’t get respect from my patients. πŸ˜‰ They are the no-nonsense, blue collar type that appreciate usefulness more than appearance. Those are my people, the kind of people that I feel comfortable with, the kind of people that I grew up with, the kind of people who don’t judge harshly because my truck is dirty. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 2 people

      • I think it is mostly women in power Victo. Here in Canada a few years ago we had a national belly button sructinizing moment for about a week around that very topic and it was carried by all the papers and TV stations and electronic media. Two of our esteemed Ministers of Parliament – about equivalent to your congressfolk – were having a dalliance. She was a very powerful woman in business (a CEO of many companies when not politicking) -Belinda Stronach -and her family were billionaires (Magna International) who controlled world-wide manufacturing facilities that made them the largest company in North America. He was the leaders’ favorite and most powerful cabinet minister – the group of a dozen or so who directly enforce our leader’s will. The media delighted in their affair – which was totally above board both being single with no closet skeletons.

        The government ruled our Parliament (read congress) by only one vote. She awoke one morning in his bed, dressed, kissed her lover good morning, drove to the Parliament session that morning and “crossed the floor”. Our Parliament seats all of each elected party members together in an oval chamber so crossing the floor means that she deserted her party and realigned herself with their opponents – effectively changing the ruling government, something never ever occurring before. He did not know until the night before that she intended to do this – it was a surprise to him and it wrecked their relationship.

        And here we go – given all the juicy political, personal, governmental, historic, implications of this stunning move, one of our esteemed national newspapers choose to do an expose on the style and brand of the shoes she was wearing when she committed this heinous act. We then stuck our national noses in our belly buttons and for a week debated nationally the appropriateness of such an article.

        Stronach later commented in an article on the most powerful women in business: “There are double standards in the way a woman in public life is treated. I am routinely asked by reporters, and sheepishly even senior political journalists, what clothes I am wearing. What is the label? Where do I buy my shoes? I am so used to it that it is not an issue for me. But I doubt these questions would be asked of a man in politics.”

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Ha! I was once accused if thinking like a lawyer. ha! I was the Safety Director for a gas tanker company when we had a large spill on a customer’s property due to the failure of a hose during unloading. The hose had been inspected certified and properly used – it was just one of those once in a lifetime things that happened. During the clean up I was patrolling the fence line that divided the property from the owner and lessors land. This land had seen numerous spills over the years and was poisoned because no clean up had ever been done. We were blamed for all the damage – about 1/5 of which was actually ours. The land owner was a crooked business man who made his money by suing. Our customer leased from him. There is a little known law about contamination that treats on site spills much more lightly than spills that cross property lines. Our spill went under his fence and onto his land – but in his money grubbing ways he had neglected to legally separate the two sites – they remained as one land parcel in the eyes of the law. This meant we were held to a much lower standard of clean up and he would be responsible for the rest when and if he ever separated the land or sold it. We had already cleaned up about double what we had spilled and I was back filling and closing the cleanup – directing the specialized crew hired to do this. the land owner came out of his building and walked over to the other side of the chain-link fence and addressed me. I explained that we were done and he was furious. As I walked along the fence, he followed and he swore and argued and called me names. I knew exactly what he was doing – trying to extricate conversation that he could use in court – and I either replied with few words or ignored him. The more I did this the more angry he became.

    Eventually, he paused, was quiet for a moment and in a parting shot stuttered; “You, you, you asshole. You sound just like a lawyer.”

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I love my doctors. Once my doctor wasn’t in and a partner did my exam, and told me I had a furuncle…I said “you’re making that up!” The doc laughed but the nurse jumped in to protest.. πŸ™‚ Another, my chiropractor was leery about my poison ivy, and I advised him to scrub well with strong soap…then as I was leaving he came into the “main” bathroom and said to me: “I’m going to scrub my hands real good, like you said.” We both laughed, but the waiting room crowd was rather aghast.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. “Love your butt”? From patients?
    Americans are really unfathomable. πŸ™‚
    (But I think that for all your bravado, and tough stance, you love your patients and they know that)
    That was before Fiction friday right?

    Liked by 1 person

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