Vented

Floor vents at the opera
There is one of these under every single seat at my local opera house. 

What is it? 

Why, I am glad SO you asked!

Supposedly, they are air conditioning vents. Why the heck would you put an AC vent under each and every seat, right where the butt hole resides?

To keep everyone’s butt cool?

Perhaps.

But I have my other theory….

There is this thing called the gastrocolic reflex. When the stomach distends with a meal, it sends a signal to the colon to make room because more shit is coming down the pipeline. 

Because of how late in the evening the opera takes place, people often eat before hand. What do you do when you need to poo? You start to fart. How old is the opera crowd, on average? Old.

Therefore, operas = old farts.

I can say this because I am one of them.

Now, people who go to operas generally have lots of money. Rich people don’t like farts. Awful smells are very disturbing to their sensibilities. So when you are designing an opera to seat lots of rich people what do you do? You integrate a ventilation system that blows away their farts.

That being said, I sat on the second row yesterday with my kids during an opera aria mashup performance for families. I savored that second row, as it will likely never happen again in my real life. These family things cannot make the opera much money and I am certain that there is not much fame and fortune to be had for performers who do them, but I am grateful, oh so grateful. My son began belting out “La donna e mobile” from Verdi’s Rigoletto as the tenor’s voice soared and no one glared at him. My daughter followed the female conductor’s baton and crazy hair with rapt attention. “Mommy, I want to do that!” she whispered. 

So here’s a shout out to all of those people who work hard to make the arts come alive for kids. You all make a difference.

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94 thoughts on “Vented

  1. LOL – just more proof that those with privilege get easily offended, especially by natural, biological functions that go along with being a human being.

    Wow…fart ventilation. This goes hand-in-hand with a commercial that I saw the other day, which is a foam that one sprays on the surface of the water in the toilet before dropping a deuce or three. It supposedly keeps the stink of poo from permeating the W.C.

    😎

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Thank you for being funny as well as brilliant. I needed funny, VERY much. On AC for the butt: It seems as though blowing it around is a bad idea. Shouldn’t those vents be little vacuumes instead? Where is the AC actually blowing those farts? And which poor sucker is getting stuck with ’em?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Well, according to what I’ve been told at university, that kind of air diffusers are for the so called “displacement ventilation”. Clean air is diffused close to the floor and carries with it all the dirty particles as it heats up and rises. Apparently it’s a good system for rooms where people generally sit still, like operas. Or maybe it’s your theory that’s right. It actually makes a lot of sense πŸ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Fart vents….. hysterical. Wish I could get them installed in my house. So wonderful you take your kids to events like opera.

    Actually if they really do send air out, it would make more sense acoustically to not disturb the listener with air sounds from above.

    But I like fart vents better!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You should forward this to the concert hall and suggest that they use this as a reported *feature* of their facilities. An elegant photo of the vents, with swank copy, promoting the flatulent fragrance free environment? Maybe you could pick up some permanent 2nd row seats as their way of thanks?

    Liked by 1 person

    • That would work except that the ONE thing rich people hate worse than stinky farts is being reminded that they care enough about stinky farts to install an under seat ventilation system… πŸ™‚

      Like

  6. Love that you expose your kids to the arts. They may not make big bucks on the family concerts but they hope to have a great ROI when the kids grow up. πŸ™‚
    I never thought about the ventilation system – interesting thoughts and would love to hear why we fart on airplanes – expanding gas due to elevation?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think the plane concept is similar in that we either eat just prior to the flight (’cause I sure as hell am not paying $10 for a sad sandwich with wilted lettuce) or ON the flight because the flight is long enough to include a meal. Bound to happen… πŸ˜‰ OR maybe we just all fart like crazy anyway and when you pack a ton of people like sardines into a tin can, the fart simply does not have anywhere else to go but up your nostrils. Though, between you and me, there is a heck of a lot more farting going on in the opera than there is on an airplane flight.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. This is a one of those “fancy that” posts! Nice not to have to smell the farts – wonder if the cool air also prevents the smooth muscle contractions that would make people have to get up and leave in the middle of an aria?

    Liked by 1 person

  8. La donna e mobile… How very true. πŸ˜‰
    Daughter #1 came last tuesday to leave grandbaby Gonzalo, while she went for her rounds at the Naval hospital. baby is 6 months old. After lunch, we took him upstairs, and plugged and turned on the electric organ on which the girls had learned the piano (and on which I taught myself back how to read music). We sat him at the level of the keyboard. He started stroking the keys. High, low, major, minor, wherever his tiny hands could hit the keys. You should have seen his face as he realized (6 months) that he could make different noises in different parts of the keyboard… Figaro si Figaro lΓ …
    πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Just out of curiosity, which opera house is this? I’ve been to nearly seventy opera houses (57 in Germany, the rest in neighboring countries), and can’t recall seeing this kind of vents anywhere.
    I do know several opera houses that put on great events for children, however.

    Liked by 1 person

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