Motherhood Sucks

Looking out of a window in Venice, Italy
I have taken care of all manner of sick people and their unpleasant smells and secretions: purulent drainage, vaginal discharges galore, fecal impactions, decayed appendages, amniotic fluid from strangers, sputum in every color of the rainbow…

But none of that prepared me for the disgusting onslaught that is motherhood. 

Poorly wiped kiddo bums. You know… when they are learning to do it themselves but are not willing to admit they need help. There is nothing like the smell of stale sweaty bum crack poo that has been fermenting all day long on the school playground. I will never understand why my kids had to pop their bums into my face when the odor was the most offensive. Then there is the poop and pee smeared all over the bathroom. MY bathroom. WTF? I have lost track of the number of times I have ended up with their vomit in my mouth!!! Snot. Never ending snot. The forgotten frogs that die in their containers and are found weeks later in a semi-liquified state. That is a sight that cannot be unseen, a smell that cannot be unsmelled.

So help me, no one said, “Brace yourself…” I would have appreciated some sort of warning. Instead people said, “Savor this time, it is over all too quickly!” 

Not quickly enough, I’ll tell you.

So let this serve as a warning to all of you who are contemplating the beauty of motherhood, thinking of reproducing. Turn back NOW before it is too late. Seriously. 

Fortunately, now that the Ebola threat has passed (for now) I have hazmat stuff from the office that begs to be used. So at least there’s that. 

Good thing they’re still cute.


173 thoughts on “Motherhood Sucks

  1. May the Lord shower blessings and blessings upon all mothers who taught us how to wipe our butts! Happy Mothers’ Day for that and for them! And God Bless you for the work you do. Were you wearing khaki and camo, with a backpack, I would hug you and say, “Thank you for your service!”

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  2. Nothing like a mouthful of someone else’s vomit to take the shine off motherhood. And stale butt-crack poo. Or how about a long piece of kleenex up a kid’s nose that has to be extracted by tweezers? Oh yeah. Definitely a good thing they’re cute. Love your dose of reality.

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  3. I never had a problem with my own kids or anything they did. It was other people’s kids I always hated! And as much as I miss how cute they were when they were small, I truly enjoy mine as adults. Happy Mommy’s Day, Victo!

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  4. Finally. A writer AND a mother who tells the whole story. The Real Story. And. Yet – I can feel the love. I really can. (P.S. – I’m finding as a grandmother – god, I never thought I’d be a ‘grandmother’ – that the smells and the gore and the … poop … are no less smelly or poopier. In fact, it’s worse. And. Yet.

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  5. When you take in a traumatized foster kid it only gets worse. The pee and vomit aren’t even from a blood relative so you have less patience for it. When it’s your own kid you get around to telling them not to eat goat crap when they’re toddlers. When you discover a strange 12-year old scarfing down goat feed with tiny pellets of baby goat crap mixed in, it really makes you wonder about motherhood! And you can’t even stay mad because you know the kid’s been through a lot. πŸ™‚ As you said, luckily they can be cute.

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  6. Wonderful post for Mother’s Day! You may have prevented a few conceptions! I was blissfully unaware of all of the bodily fluids I would be dealing with.when we had kids – but I think my job as an anatomist prepared me well. The only really irritating thing for me was having to wear something they ate for breakfast to work every day.

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  7. Ew! This is disgusting doc! Fortunately for me, I have a hubby with a strong gut. Sick kids and yucky stuff I passed to him…I could never stomach it enough to be helpful :-/ To this day, doctors and dentists ask if I want to see (fill-in-the-blank disgusting thing in their mouth, throat, etc.), and my answer is always the same, “Do you want me to heave in this office??? No thank you” lol

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  8. This kind of thing is the main reason I didn’t go to medical school. For some reason I don’t really mind the smells of something that is alive and healthy, so although it was shocking to hear my baby screaming when she should have been napping and going up to the room to find she’d had a poop explosion and she and her crib were all covered in it, I didn’t really mind cleaning her up. She was fine after that.

    But the smell of fixative and formaldehyde, mold, and death, fills me with an unnamed dread, much worse than anything poo or pee can do.

    Liked by 1 person

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