Power Lines

Power lines

“Hey, Doc. Remember me?”

I quickly glanced again at the name on the chart. He was a new patient. His name did not ring a bell. I squinted at his face. Dark beard and hair with some gray in it, a bit shaggy, but fairly well groomed. Lips. No. Then his eyes. I remembered the eyes from somewhere….

My heart caught and my fingertips went numb.

“How do I know you?” I asked, playing dumb. 

I knew good and well who he was. 

He smiled at me. “February 14th, 2016.” He paused a second to let it sink in. “That was the day you found me guilty of aggravated sexual assault and sentenced me to 10 years in jail.”

I quickly tapped a help message on IM to my office manager. 

“I don’t remember…”

“Sure you do, Doc.” He leaned forward close, too close, and spoke again in barely a whisper. “They made a big deal about who you were during jury selection. Got out a bit early. I had very, very good behavior. Not a day went by, though, that I did not think about what I was going to do to you when I got out. I have a very good memory.”

He sat up straight. There was a knock on the door and my office manager popped his head in. 

“This visit is over. Leave,” I rasped, embarrassed that my voice caught in my throat like a frightened fool instead of conveying strength and force. 

Damn.

A look of mock hurt crossed his face and he laughed. “Fine. See you around, Doc.” 

He sauntered out, slowly, pausing before rounding the corner to look over his shoulder and wink.

*********************************

In case it needs clarifying, this IS a work of fiction. 

Impact: Chapter Eight

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*Adult content warning…*

I knew what I needed to do next and it did not make me happy.

Not one bit.

Whipping out the phone, I tapped at it fiercely only to remember that it no longer functioned. It had been years since I had seen an actual payphone anywhere and good luck getting someone to let me “borrow” their phone, especially when I started to explain to him what I needed.

A groan of frustration escaped my lips. I was going to have to go to his office. Or apartment. But no. I needed to keep things professional. It would have to be his office.

I groaned again and chucked the useless thing into the trash can. It made a satisfying crunch against the metal canister as it made impact. I could imagine the spider web of cracks that must now stretch across the screen.

Good.

The sharply dressed middle aged woman walking past me at that very moment paused slightly, looking hard at my contorted face, while clearly debating internally whether or not she should check to see if I was OK. She ended up talking herself out of it, going on her way instead. That was good. I didn’t want to have to deal with a do-gooding stranger’s concern.

What time was it anyway? I glanced around for a clock somewhere, anywhere, and found none. He was a few blocks away. I could get there quickly, certainly before five, if I left now.

I started to walk down Jackson Blvd.

Everett Haydar

My buttocks burned at the thought of his name, feeling the echo of the stinging slap of his hand followed by a lingering caress before the burn of the next strike.

Why does memory have to be so physical?

He was protective but he was also controlling. I was not the naive, docile, sweet woman he wanted from me but he was physically attracted. Very strongly so. As was I. So much so that I was willing to play the role. Those neurochemicals are incredibly hard to resist once you get a taste of them. As such, we pushed and pulled each scrabbling for the upper hand, for control of the relationship, never quite getting what we desired from the other but trying harder and harder still to get it, working up to a fevered pitch that could only culminate in intense lovemaking.

The fact of the matter was that if he started undressing me even now, I would not stop him. I would gladly offer my body up to him. Even now I wanted him to posses me physically. I just could not allow him to possess my soul. I remembered the delicious wetness of him on my thighs afterwards, the heady feeling of power that came from knowing that even while tied up, I could make him do things….

Powerful things.

We were on a dangerous path, he and I. It had to end. We each wanted to believe we pulled the plug but in truth, it was mutual and it hurt in a way I was not prepared to accept. The sting of the memory even now was worse than that of his hand on my backside.

In the end I found that I could not stomach making love to anyone else.

So there had been no one else.

People didn’t like him, people that I knew at least. They did not like how he spoke to me, how he hovered and yet seemed to look through me rather than at me.

What do you like about him, anyway? 

liked having my nipples crushed between his thumb and forefinger but that was not the answer anyone wanted to hear. It was not the kind of relationship I could explain to friends, so they drifted off and away. Here I was in the giant city of Chicago, a place full of people of every type, and I had no one else I could turn to for help.

No one but him.

Maybe he had won our battle of wills, after all?

I stood at the foot of his building, at Wacker Street, squinting to block out the glare of the sun as I looked up to the 62nd floor. Right there at the corner was his office. He had pointed it out to me from the outside one day. A strange mingling of dread and desire rose up from within, making my heart pound and my fingertips tingle as I strode into the lobby working hard to maintain a facade of confidence that I did not feel.

The speed of the elevator always surprised me. 62 floors in as many seconds. The force pressing down on my shoulders always made me feel heavier than I really was.

A trim dark haired woman in a black dress glanced up as I entered the reception area through the thick glass doors. I recognized her.

“Do you have an appointment?”

“No, Laura. No, I don’t have an appointment.”

She sighed and rolled her eyes. “You know he won’t see you.”

The sentence was not even completely out of her mouth before I was down the hall, turning the handle on his office door.

My breath caught.

Him.

There he was, standing at the window looking out over the city, hands clasped behind his back.

He chuckled a bit then turned around.

“I’ve been waiting for you.”

And then I knew.

———————————-

Want to know how we got to this point? Check out the other chapters of Impact:

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Monochromatic is Problematic

Boy looking out from a bridge at a world of black and white.
I hit print on the office visit summary.

“Doc, where do your kids go to school?” she asked casually.

I told her where and then explained that I was looking for a new place as they were outgrowing their current school. She mentioned where her kids attended, saying I should look into it.

“It’s strong academically and it is a multicultural place: Indian, Muslim, white, black…”

Yes.

That is what I want. I want my kids to grow up understanding other cultures, not being afraid of them. 

I come from a long long of white trash, the kind of people the US government once wanted to keep out. My grandmother was a Polish immigrant. The rest of me is comprised of little bits from all over the world. Read American history. Over the years it has been the Chinese, the Irish, Polish, the Italians, Jews, Mexicans, Japanese, Catholics, among others, who have been feared, blocked, and vilified. They were stealing jobs, destroying the language and culture, threatening Protestantism…. it was always something. Who among any of us can say we do not have any immigrant blood running through our veins? 

It is the height of arrogance. 

We are too good for the likes of you. 

This is what the Third Reich said about Jews and gypsies and homosexuals. Keeping them out was not good enough. No. Why stop there? Kill them all.

We are forgetting, aren’t we? The survivors are dying and their voices are lost. 

So here I am. Just one little voice but I am telling you and everyone who will listen that I cannot be forced to fear or hate and as such, I do NOT support the current immigration ban. It does not make me feel safer. It makes me more afraid. 

Afraid for our future.

The Cost of Protection

Carved flowers on a Victorian tombstone.
There have been several times over my career that I have had to step in to protect a patient from their family. Each and every time it gets nasty. It takes a certain kind of person to abuse their child or to molest a mentally challenged adult or neglect an elderly person to the point they have maggots in their wounds. Those kinds of people fight and they fight dirty.

I marvel at how some attorneys can look at the facts of a situation and defend it by attacking and terrorizing the physician who had to make the call. It is exhausting and terrifying and can leave you questioning yourself and your judgement throughout the process:

Surprise subpoenas summoning you to appear in court in 60 minutes, requiring you to cancel all of your afternoon clinic appointments at the last minute.

Threats of lawsuits.

Antagonist depositions. 

Lies and accusations made publically.  

Nothing in medical school prepares you for this sort of thing. Physicians have malpractice insurance but this is not malpractice. There is no one to walk you through it unless you hire your own expensive attorney.

Eventually you are vindicated but not before your life is made a holy living hell. It takes a toll on your family and friends as well, as you cannot discuss it with anyone else. The process can drag on for months or even years.

You are isolated and alone.

Fortunately, all of my experiences have been before social media. I have seen, of late, some unbelievably ugly online attacks made on physicians who are only doing their duty and trying to protect the vulnerable. It appalls me how quick the rest of the world is to jump onto the hate the doctor bandwagon when they do not know the whole story. Physicians are not allowed to defend themselves due to privacy laws. The rest of the world will never know the whole story.

What some people seem to forget is that our role as physicians is to assess the situation and make a recommendation. We are required by law to report suspected abuse. We are not omniscient super humans and maybe we don’t always get it right. All we can do is our best. In the end is up to the courts to decide guilt or innocence. 

The price we pay to do so is often very, very high….

Menorrhagia

Light in Boston art museum

She was new to me.

She was mentally challenged although I will admit that I don’t even know what the right PC word is anymore. Clinically I have tons of appropriate labels but speaking to all of you, I don’t know what term to use that will guarantee that I do not offend someone. 

On top of that, she had developed dementia. 

Her sister spent her entire life as her personal caretaker… never married, never had children. Out of her several siblings, she was the one who stepped up to the plate. She genuinely cared. She had watched countless times as the medical community wrote off her sister. She had watched the untold emotional and physical suffering and she felt the unfairness acutely. 

One of the toughest things to deal with in this population is menstrual problems. Periods by themselves are bad enough when you understand them. Imagine trying to deal with your period when #1 you don’t know why you are bleeding from between your legs and #2 that bleeding is irregular and excessive. 

As a physician, working up menstrual problems is especially hard when you have a grown person who is willing to slug you, who screams and cries and is so terribly, awfully afraid of what you are going to do to her. I don’t believe tying someone down, forcing myself upon them, should be necessary. That sort of thing only exacerbates and perpetuates fear but it took us 45 minutes just to draw her blood. I held her hand. Her sister held her other hand. Two other staff members worked together to do the draw. No one got hurt, most especially the patient, but it took us 45 minutes to get her calm enough to endure four sticks to find a good vein.

In fact, it had been years since anyone had even tried to draw her blood because of how much of a challenge it was. Still, it had to be done. And we did it. But for the rest of the day I was running 45 minutes late. I could not catch up to save my life. 

I cannot go in to each patient afterwards and explain what happened. Patient privacy. Takes too long. Etc. etc. etc. But to all of those patients who graciously accepted my ambiguous apology, thank you. Thank you for not slamming me on patient satisfaction scores. Thank you for giving me the freedom to take care of this one person who really needed me.

You made a difference. 

You helped save a life. 

You are all my heroes and I am lucky to have you as patients.

Hovering

Blimp in the sky
My childhood was tightly controlled. Every aspect of my life was minutely scrutinized and managed. 

I was not allowed to ever spend the night at a friend’s house. I went to a friend’s house once in grade school. Only once. My first sanctioned date was to a church to deliver fruit to shut-ins on Halloween night when I was almost 17. The guy who had asked me out was required to participate in a 30 minute interview process prior to being allowed to drive me less than five miles to the church. That interview ran the gamut from current grades, college plans, statement of faith, general health, etc. Physical contact with members of the opposite sex was strictly forbidden, going so far as not allowing me to give a male friend a platonic hug at his graduation. He hugged first. I guess I was supposed to run away screaming. My punishment for that hug back was to write 1,500 times, “I will obey my mother.” I was a junior in high school. My library books were prescreened before I could check them out until I was 18. I was not allowed to learn to drive until I graduated from high school. Dancing, ear piercing, and make-up were against the rules and the Smurfs were not allowed (Gargamel used magic doncha know). 

So when my kids started playing with the neighbor kids, I found myself hovering. It was suddenly necessary to inspect the yard for mushrooms. Rake leaves. Hunt for pecans. Maybe I’ll just wander around looking disinterested while spying on their conversations. 

What am I afraid of?

I’m afraid that my kids will do something offensive, something that will get them labeled as weird or bullied or worse. I am afraid that someone will hurt them, physically or emotionally or sexually.

But I am also afraid that my kids will be judged unfairly because they are *my* kids. That they will be used as pawns in an attempt to get to me. The whole doctor thing. I have been burned before.

Because of the control I experienced as a kid, it is exceedingly difficult to let go of control of my own kids. It is all I know. BUT as I commented to someone yesterday, I am not raising pets. I am trying to grow a couple of independent human beings. 

My kids make jokes about butts and farts and you find that offensive? Maybe it’s your fault for letting your kids play with mine. Your kids are going to pick on my kiddos? My son and daughter are very, very good at karate. You want our kids to make friends so you can say you hang with the doctor? Well fine. I cannot assume everyone has ulterior motives, can I? I will cut you off if necessary. 

So this weekend when they all started playing together again I forced myself to let it go. I went inside and busied myself making homemade marshmallows. I even closed the back door. 

And you know what? They did just fine without me. 

Impact: Chapter Seven

Chicago in lights

“Next.” 

I stepped forward to the granite counter top and managed a weak smile. The woman in the bank’s uniform half-smiled back at me. Her striped blue and red scarf was tied jauntily at her neck.

Like a flight attendant.

“How can I help you?” She sounded bored. In her mid fifties, the woman had amazing hair with just the right amount of wave and body. 

I felt the familiar envy. I stared at that hair, wishing my own head was not covered with the flat, lifeless, straight as a board hair I had been cursed with. It was a dull mousy brown until I started to dye it blonde. At least the blonde helped. Speaking of which, my roots were showing. I needed to make a hair appointment if I was going to have to start interviewing for jobs now.

Times of stress always left me to dwell on each of my own flaws. My thighs were probably going to come up next. Maybe the crows feet. I was getting old. I looked closely at the woman’s eyes. She had great skin, too. I focused on her chin looking for hairs. 

Please let there be whiskers. Please let there be whiskers.

Nope. Not a single one. 

Damn it.

“Ma’am?” Irritation was in her voice and any trace of smile had now left her face.

“Oh. Sorry.” I felt my cheeks flush. “I need to make a deposit.” 

I pulled the paper paycheck, my last paycheck, out of the envelope. “Wait. I forgot to sign it.” 

The woman raised an eyebrow and passed a ballpoint pen to me. It was attached to the counter by a chain that made a slapping noise with each stroke. Banks were always disconcerting… unearthly quiet despite the hard surfaces and volumes of people. I felt I was disturbing the peace just by scribbling my name.

I passed the signed check to the woman. Her name tag read Elyse.

She waited, expectantly. “Where’s your deposit slip?” She looked at me, incredulous.

It had been too long since I had manually deposited anything into my bank account. My checks had always been deposited electronically. 

“Um, I don’t have one.”

“What’s your account number?” I could tell she was holding back the disdain with great effort.

“You know what? I don’t know that either. I have my bank card, though. Can you pull it up from that?”

I pulled the card out of my keychain wallet and handed it over.

“Do you have some ID?”

I cringed self consciously as I showed her my awful driver’s license picture. It was from before the blonde. She nodded, handing it back, and I tucked it quickly into the safety of my billfold.

Curt typing ensued. Then a scowl at the screen. More typing. Finally, she looked up at me suspiciously. 

“It says here that you closed out that account yesterday.”

A wave of nausea came over me.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that it says you were here yesterday and closed out the account.”

There was $20,000 in that account.

“Does it say if I took that money in check or cash?”

She manipulated her computer mouse and clicked twice.

“Cash.”

There was no way to trace it.

“What about my savings account?”

“Also closed out.” 

I had scrimped and saved, trying to accumulate enough to eventually retire, hopefully sooner rather than later. I didn’t know how long I could keep up working as an ER physician. They had a high burnout rate after all.

It was gone. Every bit of it.

What was happening to me? Should I say something? Report it to the police? 

“That wasn’t me,” I said softly.

“Customers are not allowed to cash out accounts, particularly NOT accounts that large, without notice and without proper ID. I can assure you that you did indeed close out that account.”

“It was not me.”

A “Hmmmf…” of disbelief was all she uttered. The woman offered no other explanation, no further assistance. 

“Can I just cash this check, then?

“Fine,” she said sharply.

“In tens and twenties, please.”

I weighed my options as I watched her count out the bills, one by one. Four thousand dollars was not going to last me very long. Not in Chicago. 

Not anywhere, really.

At least I had paid the month’s rent last week. I was good there. 

The wad of bills was thick. I registered that my work computer was still there as I stashed them at the bottom of my bag. That could be helpful. I wondered how long it would take for them to realize I still had the thing.

I walked the few blocks back to my apartment mulling things over. Who could I call for help? I needed advice. Six months ago I would have called my boyfriend. Well. I would have if my phone had been working, but now, even if we were still on speaking terms I realized I did not know his phone number. I had never had to know it despite texting and calling him thousands of times over the years we had been together. My phone made communication with him a no-brainer. 

There had to be someone else I could call. Surely. As I rode the elevator up to my floor, I wracked my brain but there was no one. I had no friends. Only work acquaintances. There was no one I was close enough to that I could call them up and confess that my world was falling apart. No one except for him. Having regular sex with someone allowed you certain lifelong privileges didn’t it?

Probably not, but I still had to try. 

Maybe I could look him up on the work computer if my password hadn’t been shut down already. Not his cell number, of course, but I could Google his office number. He’d be in clinic right now if it was not a hospital week. If wifi was not working in my apartment, and something in the pit of my stomach told me it would not be, I could find a Starbucks somewhere… 

I turned my key in the lock. It stuck a bit and I panicked as I jiggled the key and retried it. Finally the lock clicked and I pushed open the door, relief flooding through me. 

My relief was short lived, however. It evaporated when I saw what was waiting for me inside. Or rather, what was not waiting for me.

Nothing

There was nothing at all inside. Every scrap of furniture was gone. Every last one of my possessions, gone. All that remained were the indentations in the carpet where my couch and chairs and other furniture had once been.

I was exposed. Bare. Naked. Nothing was left of me. At least nothing of the me that I once was.

My life was being dismantled before my very eyes.

It was time to fight back.

———————————-

Want to know how we got to this point? Check out the other chapters of Impact:

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Outcomes

eileandoonancastle3cropped

His voice shook.

“She’s in ICU. I thought you should know.”

I felt my body grow cold. She and her family had been patients of mine for almost ten years. She was so young. Younger than me, in fact….

“They aren’t sure if she is going to make it.”

“What happened?” It was supposed to be a simple cyst removal.

“Her small intestine was perforated. They have her belly open, said they couldn’t close it yet.”

I had used a new surgeon, someone I had never used before, because the mass was blocking the tube from her kidney to her bladder, causing quite a bit of pain and endangering the kidney itself. She needed surgery quickly and no one that I typically used was available to work her in. 

“That’s just awful. Keep me posted on how she’s doing. I’ll be saying a prayer for her and for you.”

“Thanks, Doc.”

As I hung up, the guilt welled up. I felt personally responsible for the bad outcome, even though my hands weren’t the ones actually in her belly. MY hands had hit the referral button, signed the order. 

She trusted me. 

She ended up making it, but it took a huge toll on her both physically and emotionally and financially. It affected her relationship with her husband. It affected her kids. They had almost lost their mother and it left them all shaken and ungrounded for almost a year. Things are only now starting to look up.

I feel guilty when patients don’t like someone I refer them to. I feel that I have let them down. I feel guilty when I find a cancer, as if somehow it was my fault. I should have prevented it. Maybe I could have found it sooner somehow? And, yes, I feel responsible for surgical errors and outcomes.

So when I tell patients they need to see a different specialist than the one they picked out, I worry how far to push it when they aren’t agreeable. When I know a back surgeon is bad, how much do I tell a patient who is not listening to my gentle suggestions to seek a second opinion elsewhere? Where is the line professionally and legally? 

These are my thoughts on this Monday morning….. 

Impact: Chapter Six

Chicago elevated train.

I awoke to sunlight streaming in through the windows. I stretched lazily. There was nothing more blissful than waking up to bright, warm light on your face after a long shift. This was why I always opened the curtains before crawling under the covers. That, and there was something reassuring about waking up in the night to see the lights of the city outside. It helped with the loneliness.

My shift! OMG.

My heart leapt into my throat and I sat bolt upright in bed. I had picked up an extra shift. I was supposed to work today.

Why hadn’t the alarm gone off?!?!!?!?

I distinctly remembered setting the alarm. Did I do something wrong? The new phone lay on the empty pillow next to me. I snatched it up and after hitting the button over and over again found that it was dead. 

How? 

I checked the power chord. It was plugged into the phone and the wall properly. Last night should have been a clue when email wasn’t working, I realized. I picked up the land line phone beside my bed. I needed to call in but there was no dial tone. I punched a few numbers and clicked the receiver a several times. Nothing. I slammed the receiver down in frustration. 

Skidding to the bathroom, I flipped the light switch but no light. I tried every damn light switch in the apartment but none worked. The clock on the microwave was a black, empty space. The TV would not turn on. Soon it was clear that the power was off completely. 

There hadn’t been a storm, had there? 

I checked out the window. The streets looked dry.

The clock on the wall in the kitchen read 9:18. I wondered if it was right or not but remembered it was battery operated. I was so miserably late and this time I did not have a Good Samaritan excuse. They probably wouldn’t believe me about the power.

I threw on some clothes. I had a habit of sleeping naked. It felt good to strip off all vestiges of the day and lie beneath clean sheets but now I felt terribly vulnerable. 

Exposed.

What was going on?

I would have to sort out everything later. The first order of business was getting to the hospital. 

Brushing my teeth helped. So did splashing water on my face. Quickly, I pulled my hair back into a ponytail. There was no time for make up. I shoved my make-up bag into the satchel next to my computer and headed out the door. Maybe I would have time later to apply something. I didn’t want to scare the patients…

Without my phone, I could not summon Uber. I was going to have to use the train. I zipped around other people as I ran two blocks to the nearest station. I flashed my card at the till but the light did not turn green. I tried again. 

Still red. I was getting frustrated and contemplated just hopping over.

“Hey, lady, do you think you could maybe go through or get out of the way?” The voice behind me was irritated. I turned to see a blond twenty-something in a light gray suit wielding his briefcase with an air of self importance. He glared at me. He was probably running late, too. So was the middle aged woman behind him and the older woman behind her.

“It’s broken.”

He rolled his eyes and reached around me with his card. The light turned green and he pushed past muttering obscenities under his breath.

The woman behind him did the same. I tried my card again but still got a red light. 

Fine.

The bodies behind me were pressing forward. I backed up from the turnstile pushing past the line that had accumulated behind me and did a quick visual search for a kiosk. 

Something was wrong with my card. Maybe I had lost track of how much was on it? I found one of the vending machines and attempted to load more money onto it but the message flashed that the card was invalid. I tried to purchase a regular ticket using my bank card but it said that card was invalid. Then I tried my credit card but received the same message.

Damn it!

Precious minutes were wasting! I fished out some cash and purchased a ticket that way, then made my way to the platform. 

I found a seat in the corner of the train and stewed. How could it be possible that all of my cards were dead? I watched the faces of the other commuters, wondering if any of them was experiencing something similar. No. They all seemed calm.

I decided to distract myself by putting on some mascara and lipstick.

At the next stop a woman settled into the seat next to me. She looked like a talker. I scooted closer to the wall and crossed my arms across my chest, hoping the body language would send the clear message to leave me alone. I couldn’t bury my head in my phone since it wasn’t working. I felt exposed again.

“Good morning!” 

Clearly, she had not gotten the message.

“Morning,” I muttered.

“You look like you are having a bad day.” 

I glanced over at her and raised an eyebrow. 

“My daughter, Cordelia, does the same thing.”

“What?” I was puzzled.

“Wrinkles her forehead like you do.”

“Oh.” I hoped the clipped response would shut down the conversation. 

It didn’t.

“I work in real estate as a paralegal. It is the most dreary office ever, so small you would think it had once been a closet. I feel the life sucked out of me a little bit each day.” My brain flashed to the scene in The Dark Crystal where the Skeksis drain essence from the Podlings, leaving them dessicated, mindless zombies. “Where do you work?”

“In healthcare,” I said carefully. Admitting that I was a physician always opened me up to awkward questions.

“Oh how nice! What exactly do you do in healthcare?” She smiled.

“I’m in housekeeping at the hospital.” It was sort of true.

She squinted at me, then laughed. “That’s funny! I would have put you in management. You just never know about people.”

I shrugged.

“I get off up here,” she said, digging her purse. She handed me a business card. “If you ever need to buy some property…” She winked as the train stopped, then was gone.

I tucked the card into my bag next to the accident victim’s card, shaking my head. What a 24 hours this had been. 

The rest of the trip passed in blessed silence. 

At the correct stop, I exited and ran the remaining few blocks to the ER at Northwestern. I stoppped at the nurses’ station to catch my breath and survey the lay of land. I could see they were fully staffed. There was Dr. Prick, I mean Dr. Waters, back again to make everyone miserable. There were three other physicians seeing patients but they and the rest of the staff pointedly avoided making eye contact. I checked the board. I was not on the list for today. Then I realized my name had been erased from the rest of the week, replaced with Dr. Waters’ name. A sense of foreboding came over me.

“Dr. Benton!” It was the ER director, Dr. Boyack. Someone must have alerted him to my presence. “Why don’t you step into my office?”

Oh, god.

I followed him into the tiny office around the corner. He settled himself behind the desk, motioning to the chair across from him. The room was sparsely decorated except for an ivy plant by a window that looked out onto a brick wall and a framed illustration of a busty female robot stood on the corner of the desk. Eccentric was the word for him. He studied me for a moment, probably for dramatic effect, then leaned forward, steepling his fingers in front of his long beard. 

“We have decided to let you go, effective immediately.”

I let out the breath I hadn’t realized I was holding. A million panicked thoughts were racing through my brain. When I didn’t respond, he continued.

“You have excellent patient satisfaction scores. The staff loves you. But we need someone more reliable.”

Wait! I wanted to scream at him. This isn’t fair! But in his defense, I had a habit of running late. Getting used to the unpredictability of Chicago transportation had been difficult. If I had not already established a pattern of behavior, we would not be having this conversation. So instead I just nodded. 

I was not sure this day could get any worse but at least now I had time to figure out what was going on with my bank and credit cards and to try to get the power back on at my apartment. Oh, and the phone. That goddamn stupid phone that I had been forced to get after the men in suits had stolen my original. I fingered the cold screen in my pocket. I wanted to take the cursed thing out and stomp it to pieces right then and there. 

But I didn’t.

He pushed a long, white envelope across the desk. “Your last paycheck. I’ll need your badge and keys.” He smiled sympathetically.

I dug the items out of my bag and dropped them onto his desk, giving a satisfying clang as the metal and plastic hit the fake mahogany surface. I opened my mouth to speak but thought better of it, choosing instead to leave the office without a word. As I reached the door he called out to me.

“Hey, Dr. Benton?” I paused, looking over my shoulder. “Good luck. I have a feeling you are going to need it.”

Chapter One

Chapter Two 

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Impact: Chapter Five

The Bean in Chicago
I lay there wondering if I would ever be able to breathe again. 

We moved faster and faster.

Faster…

Then suddenly everything stopped.

There was a look of horror on the man’s face right before I connected with him, knocking the air out of my chest. The seconds of weightlessness just beforehand seemed like an out of place dream sequence in slow motion, especially with the startled screams going on in the background. 

I looked down at the man I had landed upon. His nose was broken, blood pouring from it. He wasn’t breathing. It wasn’t my fault, this whole thing, but I felt guilty nonetheless. I saw an arm beside me, impossibly bent with shards of bone protruding from it. At first I thought it was his arm, then realized that it was my own.

Whimpers. Cries for help. 

I could not move. 

What to do next?

I shrugged it off and stood up from the plastic seat, slung my bag over a shoulder, and exited the train.

On the platform people stood waiting to board, avoiding eye contact with everyone else around them… I wondered how many others were having these same images?

The truth was that death followed me. These intrusive scenes popped into my brain at the strangest times. 

What if that taxi cab hops the curb and takes me out?

I used to wonder what was wrong with me. It wasn’t that I wanted to die. One day I realized that maybe it was the opposite. That I wanted to live so much my brain was preparing me for survival by throwing scenarios at me to work through. So I stopped being afraid of it.

I walked the remaining few blocks to my apartment. It was dark and only few people were on the street. Some people were afraid to walk at night in Chicago… the most violent city in the United States. 

My apartment was lonely and I tried to avoid it as much as possible, instead lingering at the hospital for hours after my shift so I could stay around people. 

The key turned in the lock and I moved around flipping on lights. While heating up some ramen with cheese and frozen mixed veggies I paused to check email on the new phone I had picked up on the way home. An alert popped up to say that my password was incorrect. I reentered it and the message popped up again. 

Well. That was weird.

Probably just a bug since the phone was new. It would probably sort itself out in the morning.

I flipped open my laptop and tried to log in that way. No dice. 

Maybe hotmail was down for some reason?

The microwave dinged.

I tried to pull up a movie on Netflix, only it said my account didn’t exist. Hulu and Amazon were the same. I tried to call the hospital, but my phone said no service.

I decided to eat and get some sleep. Tomorrow was another day. I would have to sort it out then. 

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four